“A Circumstance Beyond Our Control”

I’m like you. Like a lot of people. I’ve got my skeletons. Got my darkness. Hell, I’m a clark. That in and of itself should give some of you a huge heads up. LOL. Except I don’t hang out in the dark places too long if I can help it. Did enough of that when I was young. Got smarter about things. “Course it doesn’t always help. You know, to intellectualize things. Sometimes you just have to cry.

I did that today (Friday)  in the ladies room at work. It took one event to tip my scales and there I was. In the stall doin’ the silent, muffle tear jerk. Luckily no one was in there. Why the cry? So simple, stupid. It was a day I felt I needed a little extra “support”. It was the last day of a work week that began in a particularly unpleasant way. Maybe I should start with that?

Pre-story. In case you don’t know. I jumped timelines last October 22, 2013 and arrived in Alexandria, Virginia at the apartment of a nephew by association. A lifesaver in my travelogue diary. I’m still here. And shouldn’t be. Which the Universe reminded me of on Monday morning. It’s funny. Only the day before, Sunday, I came to some heavy duty realizations, some decisions and was anxious to put them in motion. For they would put me in motion. Forward motion. Lacking lately, bigtime.

There’s a project at work. Overtime has been extended. I gladly accepted. Woke up Monday morning at the usual 4:15 am. Had every intention of leaving extra, extra early but alas, I was only a little early. Can’t seem to get to work extra early on Mondays. Anyway, I walked up the stairs from the apartment to the landing at the front doors of the building. Looked out to the parking lot and noticed the picture was wrong. Where. Was. My. Car.  It was gone.

Heart beating fast. The f word now on a loop (in various formations). Yup. This event was way more effective than my usual a.m. caffeine… but way more unpleasant. There had been a recent change in the parking policy that I was unaware of. I had a parking pass in my car but apparently, not the right one. $185 and 35 minutes late to work later, I was fuming. At myself.

Monday = having the Universe rub my face in the gritty sand of stasis reminding me that I have languished too long between timelines.

Friday = realizing that I need absolutely nothing. Almost nothing. Just the basics – music, books, instruments, computer. Anything else? Yes. Coffee.

What happened today? I may have mentioned, navigating timelines is not for the feint of heart. Me? I have no feint heart. (most of the time) Yet today I decided I “needed” something. So I put a ring on my right index finger. A silver, “woven” band that belonged to my mother. A connection to the clarklike female who gave birth to me. My aforementioned “support”.

Sometime in the early afternoon I looked at my hand because I felt “empty”. No ring! I’ve lost it! I’ve lost my mother’s ring. Panic. I looked everywhere at work. Nowhere to be found. Result: the episode in the ladies room. Afterwards? Sadness. Depression. And an absolute belief that “things” are a complete burden. Sentiment …a burden.

It’s a little late to take credit for making the tough decisions in life if the Universe steps in to remind us after the fact. I don’t mind some butting in (by the Universe) ahead of my not so seeing eyes.  But after I “get it”, after I see all the things that until that moment I did not see. Really?

What about that? Am I the only one to have those moments (sometimes awful) of seeing the things that were always there but for my own…what? What keeps us from seeing the things we cannot see?

 

What Else Can I Do?

It’s TToT time again. Thank goodness I can say that….”again.”  Say, how many of you can claim to be going on your 3rd life? Really? Yeah, well, I can. And if I EVER get back to producing my other blog, tube tops, tattoos and TimeLines, I’ll talk about these TimeLines and such. “Cuz that’s what they are.

But we’re not gonna get all mumbo jumbo here at the Edge (ya know… if you hold your cursor over the title to my blog, it turns red. see?) today. No sir. Not today. Today, we’re gonna get all thankful because dammit! there is shit I’m thankful for…

Like being able to ignore (for longer periods) the nagging, persistent doubt ringing my mind’s doorbell.

Or for not letting fear get too ramped up. You know, so that it totally incapacitates me.

Getting to work this weekend before noon! Which helps a little with getting a handle on the schizoid life I’ve been living since last October and….still feeling I’ve a few marbles of sanity left.  At this, I invoke from the BOSR, basic rule # 7.35 found under sub-heading Dualities, that allows for the use of 2 Thankfuls when combined in a contextual manner. Obvious or not.

That my office is now not moving before March 1 of next year.

That my boss is so amenable (at least at the moment lol)  to my making a decision to transfer to our Virginia Beach office or not.  Nice to have the option on the table but at the same time kind of sucks because I don’t really know what to do now!

Have I mentioned control? Ah. Maybe not. If you know clarks, you know that we be somewhat of control freaks (secret and sometimes not so). Different in the way rogers manifest control…the thankful about control is basically being able to reign in…..STOP! I feel the mumbo, jumbo coming on. LOL

Got to count that one, up there, directly preceding this, as a thankful and a half! Whew! You guys just dodged a bullet so let me put in a thankful for you, by me by proxy….

I am extremely thankful for the weather we’ve had this past week. Mostly sunny, low humidity. The fact that today is supposed to see the return of 90 degrees and high humidity? “S ok. It means that summer has not yet departed.

Having just said that, I look forward to my favorite season of the year! Fall.  For the first time since 2003, I will experience a full autumnal season here in the mid-Atlantic.

I’m taking a long weekend for the Labor Day. Going back to my homeland. For respite and perspective. Should I win some sort of lottery, I shan’t be returning to Virginia! LOL (thankful for a good imagination – the part about not returning)

Thank God for the TToT. Really.

SPECIAL BULLETIN! THE FOLLOWING POST WAS NOT POSTED EARLY THIS MORNING BECAUSE PRIOR TO COMPLETING A QUICK EDIT – POOF GOES THE INTERNET! WHICH MEANS I HAVEN’T BEEN TO ANYONE ELSE’S BLOG SINCE WAY EARLY THIS AM. BUT WHAT THE HECK. I’M POSTING THIS ANYWAY…IT’S NEVER TOO LATE FOR THE INTERNET TO COME BACK ON:)

‘Cuz if it wasn’t for the TToT then when the heck would I publish new material? Well, that’s what I’ve been asking myself for what? almost 10 months. Holy f’ing shit! (excuse my language, especially today, being Sunday and all, but I really have to use expletives).

There it is. 1st Thankful. Which wasn’t going to be first thankful, but now it is. The TToT for providing a platform of expression. Somehow, someway when all other “somes” are not present.

I have a new appreciation for George Thorogood. He makes me smile:) Driving back from work (it’s an hour’s commute minimum) the song you hear in the vid at the end of this post, if you make it to the end, and I  hope you do,(unless you choose to play it while reading this post), came on the radio. How is it I never realized it was being told more than being sung. As I listened to each and every word my smile kept getting bigger. Thank you George even if I’m loving you now, in the twilight of my years. Having said that I will say this – I luv, luv, luv his version of Gone Dead Train. And I loved playing along with it on bass. Back when I was learning. To play. Bass….

I’m flyin’ by the bootstraps today, so next up….all you writers out there. The ones who participate in Lizzie, how the hell do you do it, Rogers’ bloghop. I can totally spend hours going from post to post to post. I apologize if I don’t make it by to everyone’s place, but at least I know you’re there when I need you!

Real world stuff makes up a quarter cup ‘o the recipe this week. Monday morning I was asked by my operations manager to step into the managing partner’s office. Being a clark, the first thing I did, even knowing it not to be true and just kidding w/my own damn self, was to make the joke about being called into the principal’s office. But seriously, it was “official”. Opening line (after being advised we were on a conference call with a managing attorney – “it’s been intimated that you have expressed an interest in transferring to our….. office”. Backstory, kinda sorta: was recently engaged in general conversation with co-workers, operations mgr. of pending changes for our office location. There’s been lots of buzz/excitement about what things will be like in the new place, etc. Out of damn nowhere, my scottian self blurts “hey, is it possible to transfer to….?” My OM says, “I’ll check into it for you. (that was 2 weeks ago) Story too long? ‘K. Bottom line: if I want to transfer down (hint) to our ….office, you can. Just let us know. And, if you want to go and work there for a day or 2 to see if you like it, let us know. Wow. Do I have a great boss or what?

If I want to take my leave of the Washington, D.C. metro area and trade it in for a “beach” town that is kind of like here but not, I now have that option. Life is about options, no? Thankfuls from that long assed paragraph up there?: my 2ndary scottian aspect speaking up without thought to the outcome LOL; not worrying whether or not I could transfer; now having the option to transfer and lastly, the flexibility to do so.

In case the counting is getting a bit fuzzy, I’m up to #7. 3 more Thankfuls. Got to love how things work out. The week began with the opportunity to transfer to another office within our company. Then came the OT. It’s project time and with it authorization to work a little overtime. Which will come in mighty handy when I take a trip to check out my “new” office.

I don’t know that I will ever have a week of TToTs without mentioning the Wakefield Doctrine. For those of you who haven’t heard about it, it’s a most efficacious life tool. To be perfectly frank and honest, if I did not have the WD, I might not be inclined to accept the offer of this transfer (not that I have but, you know, in case I do). But by knowing, by being able to identify how a person relates themselves to the world, I have an incredibly cool and often fun, foolproof method of dealing with pretty much anything and anyone. The caveat? To remember that “it’s about me, not them”. To remember I always have a choice.

“The world is a feeling. I’m responsible for how I feel”.

Thankfuls and Cupfuls or is that Cup Full?

Gee. I’m not used to beginning a post this way. How? Did you say how? With music blasting  at me a out of this here latptop. In front ‘o my face. What am I listening to? One of my favorite band’s greatest hits cd. I daresay I never would have thought they would have a “Greatest Hits”. Yes, I am being judgemental. In reality, why shouldn’t they. Personally, I love the idea of “greatest hits”. Here. Take a listen. Excellent. Except for the commercials. WTF?! A commercial after every other song?!? Really youTube? You gotta go and wreck the cd?

Most of the folks I know on the net wouldn’t care too much for these guys. Yes, Christine. It is an acquired taste but I bet I could come up with some “heavy” music even you’d like! Since you have an aversion to bleeding ears, I suggest you don’t click that link up there.

Queen Lizzi I, Host-Ess of the TToT bloghop (of which this is an entry. promise) is someone else who would not appreciate the link of excellent music. As much as I have come to adore her, Cyndi over at Pictmilitude is another who I know would not care for….the link.

Enough! My friend Zoe at Rewritten has been writing an extraordinary blog for – um, you know, I don’t know! I will have to ask her. I’ve lost track at how long it’s been since discovering her blog, which I found btw, after reading some comments she left at the Wakefield Doctrine. Has to be a year or more ago. The Bread Crumb Syndrome. I love it. One can literally follow cyber bread crumbs forever!

Man, wandering is my mind. It’s the music. Yes, it is music! Just ask Laura. Anyway, Zoe’s post today is about the SBOR/BOSR. Why it is so very important. And thank all that is good that Zoe is now the official Emissari-Ess of the 7GVs and overseer of…the Book. It’s in good hands.

No. I’m not stalling. Yes. There are thankfuls preceding these words. And if I count correctly I’m already up to well, more than 10! At least 10. Specifically? More? ….New battery arrived for lapbaby! Now I have the capability of dragging said baby around with me. You know, in case there is a sudden tsunamic wave of creativity that threatens to overcome me and I quick need to find some free wi-fi.

Hey, there’s one other thing I’m pretty thankful for. Having a place to practice writing. The kind of writing I have no clue about how to do! LOL So-o-o… I promise I’m going to read up on how to properly form a sentence, use tense, set up dialogue and, and! develop characters and all that other stuff. For now though, I’m just having fun with my friend Roger at the Secessionist Rag.

We’ve been alternating chapters pretty consistently lately. I published Chapter 22 last week and look forward to Roger’s Chapter 23. It’s a detective story hopefully in the style of Robert B. Parker. Hopefully, getting some legs. Check it out. Leave some feedback if you’ve a mind to. I have a feeling if Roger doesn’t htfu with Chapter 23 I might have to write it myself!

 

 

 

Of Metal and Mayhem and the Softer Side….

….of clarklike females. So yeah. The vid today is of a clarklike female. Performed by a clarklike female. Du-uh. Dead giveaway? The boots. With that dress. OK. “Easy peasy”. For clarks to spot at any rate. Sure. Plenty of my sisters wear boots. It’s not the fact of boots, rather the wearing of them that makes the difference. What do I mean by that? Well, it’s about what it represents. It is not a conscious thing.

How to tell the clark, scotts and rogers in your life? Well, there are certain “characteristics”, markers if you will, that give you a clue. Bottom line? It’s how a person relates themselves to the world. I often talk with Clark of the Wakefield Doctrine. You too, btw, can call in every Saturday night, 8:00 pm EST.  We wind up talking Doctrine eventually, right Cyndi? :)

I’m about self-development. Most of you know that already.  Being a clark, it’s a nev-er – en-ding endeavour. As it happens, I was talking to Clark yesterday. One thing led to another and we got talking about his post about rogers and their “expression“. About what it means for a roger to lose their “expression”, what it means when there is no longer a “context” for them to manifest that expression. Conclusion? It’s not a personal thing. It’s about the herd.

Our conversation ended with a brief discussion about the rogerian characteristic known as “lashing out”. What it represents, how it manifests and with whom. Hint:  scotts got nothin’ to worry about! It’s a sensitive topic for sure. Who likes to talk about the negative aspects of our selves?

I won’t lie. It’s often not a pretty conversation. But you know the old saying – “no pain, no gain”. Self improvement, from a clark’s perspective, requires talking about (for example) our propensity to tolerate a roger’s lashing out as much as why rogers behave this way with clarks (mostly).

Yep. Much can be learned about oneself via the Wakefield Doctrine. And I’m talking to you scotts! and rogers now as well. You can learn a ton of shit about other people. And learn a lot about your own damn self.

At some point, when the dots start connecting, when the language to express the understanding begins to emerge, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. It’s not all about the negatives. It’s simply about what makes people tick. Life 101.

There’s a common saying about the Doctrine: “it’s for you, not them”.  Think I’m going to request a special order t shirt from Clark with just that saying…

It’s Wednesday. Thanks for stopping by and reading my mid-week ponderings. Hey Christine! More music that doesn’t make your ears bleed:)

 

It’s a Non TToT Sunday.

It’s Sunday night. I’m sitting on the bed, in the room that has been “home” for the last 9 months. I have the overhead light on because I have my laptop plugged into the outlet usually reserved for my bedside lamp. Not that it’s dark in here. Not yet. In fact, it’s still light outside. I can see it seeping through the slits of the verticals. It’s a soft sunset tonight. I can tell.

I went out over an hour ago for a walk. My bone building walk. After I cooled down, after a not uplifting conversation with my distant other half, I decided to fix myself something to eat. Yes! I’ve made progress in the weight department – up to 106 lbs. Woohoo!

I don’t often buy meat but when I was in the store a couple of weeks ago I spotted a package containing 3 little steaks. Boneless, red, oval. I took them home. This evening, God forgive me, I put one of them in a frying pan. It is my only option. After keeping an eye on the tiny piece of protein and when it was cooked as well as could be expected, I put it on a small plate. Not the dinner one. The salad one. Or did they used to call it the desert plate? At any rate, small steak on plate, I headed back to “camp”.

I’d been sitting on the left side of the bed.(left, as in looking towards the bottom of the bed). In my other TimeLine, I’d be sitting on the right side. The right side had been my side. Huh….. anyway, back propped by 4  pillows, the wall served as headboard.  The laptop was in front of me. A minimum of 2 books, a couple of magazines, a pen, some paper were strewn beside me. Table set.

I put the plate on the bedside table to my left and situated myself. Ok. Computer screen at 12 o’clock, right leg straight out, left leg curled in. Half Indian style I guess. Anyway, I set the plate on the bed directly in front of myself, moved the computer a little closer and dug in. Yeah, it was a little tough but hey, I’m just eating it to get the benefits, yo.

Almost immediately, I slowed down (seems I was a bit hungry) and decided to cut the few pieces I’d already cut into yet smaller pieces.  I did this….slowly. Deliberately. Suddenly my thoughts were totally of my Dad. I remembered how, in his later years, he would cut his meat – precisely, in small, bite size pieces. Immediately, I made the concious decision to cut the entire tiny steak before me in this same manner. It felt weird, but not.  It made me think of Phyllis and her guest post at the Wakefield Doctrine’s Guest Post Thursday’s Guest Post.

There is no one who will iron and think of me. There is no one to cut their meat and think of me. What in the world, I wonder, will someone think of me. One day.

 

 

 

 

 

Me, My Metaphysical Self and I

I just scrapped the 538 words I wrote last night. Inadequate. I struggled for 500 words to find the “right” ones. To describe an event, a concept, an accomplishment, a marker of sorts. I, who never fully developed her musical side, must rely on words. And those my friends are few and far between lately.

What can I say? I was rumaging through some old papers and found a scribble. The title of this song.

Been having some computer issues lately. It’s been of some concern. When my keyboard seemed to be going out to lunch the last couple of days, I thought it time to take my laptop to a shop for some “same day service”. People shouldn’t lie. Anyway, for $20 I got someone to tell me:1) yes, I do need a new battery (that one I figured out on my own), 2) the sound I was hearing off and on was an alert that my keyboard was….in distress. So for $60 and a 2 day sleep-over, the Geek guys could verify the malfunction and replace my keyboard.

No sleep-overs for my lapbaby. Last night. I don’t know how. I fixed my keyboard my own damn self. But like I said, don’t ask me how. I can’t tell you. What I can tell you is that I was in a rare state in which my body was calling the shots. By 9:50 pm last night I was typing. And actual letters were appearing on my screen:)

If  it’s not too late, I’d like to submit my entry for the TToT hop along. You know, I’ve never “followed the rules” of the hop. Hell, never followed any of the “rules”. I understand that the thanks should be for things in the preceding week. Let’s give this a shot.

1) Johnny, while I type. Except now when I listen to him it’s different. “Cuz he’s dead.

2) The enduring ability to believe. In things I cannot readily see. Until I “see”.

3) Music in general. Music everyday.

4) For doing a good stand down job (ironic humor?) of flat ironing my hair today. Needless to say, I won’t be doing it again any time soon.

5) Geez, how could I let this be #5….fixing my keyboard.!! So let’s count this as 6, 7 & 8. You all know what book allows me to do so.

9) Almost! Almost getting completely caught up at work.

10) Allowing myself to be open to the idea of a complete change of venue. Jobistically speaking.

There Was No Whiter Shade of Pale…

I had a crappy day today. Felt bad. Stomach issues. But I didn’t die. Johnny Winter died. Yesterday.

How did I find out? I opened my mail tonight and there was the e-mail from The Secessionist Rag. Roger had  a new post. A Brief Intermission. To say that Johnny Winter was dead. Damn.

It wasn’t all that long ago I was talking about Johnny in a post: my first guitar crush, my first concert, my first blues guy. I loved him. He was always and forever.

I cried after reading of Johnny’s passing. Of all the beloved musicians that have left this planet, I shed tears only for him. His music figured quite prominently in the soundtrack that was/is my life. The impact his music had on me since adolescence has been tremendous. Not yet a teenager, I was hooked with his first album….

I’m going to bed now. Sad. And heartbroken.

I suppose it appropriate that the song I post is the very first that “got me”. His rendition of the Henry Glover song was just….it just was. And so it became my “go to” song through early adolescence. Hell, it’ll always be my “go to” song….especially tonight.

 

 

“Yes, Virginia. 6 Did turn out to be 9…”

…and there are allies* at the Edge. I feel a need to write a followup to my post for yesterday’s TToT. Revelations, inspirations, confirmations, affirmations. I feel a need to acknowledge all of those “tions” on the big screen. I have Clark of the Wakefield Doctrine fame to thank for that realization.(“geez, Clark. Thanks a lot *sarcasm dripping outta my mouth*) Got to give credit where credit is due, right? LOL . Hey, it’ still the weekend. Make that Thankful #1.

So last night I called in to the Saturday Night Wakefield Doctrine Drive Call In. I don’t think I’ve missed a call in show in all the years it’s been in existence. (Yo! TToT #2)  Conversation began in typical fashion with the exchange of “pleasantries”. It soon came around to blogs and writing. Clark mentioned he’d left a comment at my post. “Yes, I saw. Thank you.” was my response. He then asked if I realized I had messed up on my numbering at the end.

“What? Damn! Really? Fuck! Had no idea! I remembered going over it carefully. In fact, I remembered a little edit at the end where, at that time, at least I thought, I made sure the numbers ran sequentially 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Wasn’t I being all clever today I thought. How to get away without listing a full 10 Things of Thankful… I can skip at least 4 of them by jumping straight away to #10 by employing the “if 6 was 9″ rule. Not to be confused with SR 95.05 whereupon it states, and I quote: “any TToT Post wherein a genuine desire has been established for the listing of 10 items can be amended such that the 10th item is arrived at by sincere and thought out means.” This my friends is most certainly TToT #3, #4, #5, #6, #7 and #8.

Still on the phone, I quickly go to my post. Re-reading it, I realize sure enough, I doubled up on #2 and #3. But wait! Count the numbers again, including the duplicate ones. What do they add up to? Now go and read the last paragraph again:

“if 6 did turn out to be 9 today. And! If I had already written 6 of my 10 thankfuls like everyone is expected to :1) another day I woke up, 2) sunshine and blue sky today, 3) a fully functional body, 2) a job, 3) music, 4) a working car, 5) summer berries, 6) health insurance, then that would leave me with having one thankful left. Therefore, I conclude with thanks for believing and witnessing personal power.”

So there I was thinking myself all clever like. Listing 10 things of thankful without really listing 10 things. But I screwed up. Hey. That’s #8 right there – if I realize I’ve made a mistake, I try to correct it. To make it right. In this case. Look closer. Maybe, just maybe it wasn’t a mistake?! Count from #1, including the “doubled” # 2 and #3. They add up to 8. My very last item makes 9.

No. I did not do any of that on a conscious level. Today’s #’s 9 and #10? The “doing” of a thing without the realization that on some other level you are “doing” something else and then being lucky enough, after the fact, to be able to go back and see and wonder how…..6 did, in fact, turn out to be 9.

*Reference to Carlos Castenada’s books. “An ally will make you see and understand things about which no human being could possibly enlighten you.”

“Now if 6 Turned Out to Be 9″

Don’t ask me why. Or how. I simply don’t know. The title is the title. As I write this at 3:19 on Saturday, July 12, 2014 I am light years from all the very many posts that “wrote” themselves in my head today while out on the morning walk. No shit. Isn’t that always the way!

I checked the clock on my phone:10:20 am. A little late to start but I was pumped, primed and ready to do my power walking. I used to walk a lot in the before timeline. With Man and 2 Dogs. Then Man and 1 Dog. We walked. In the park. Through town. Distance, exercise, community. Especially when we’d run into someone familiar and stop to chat. My favorite? Martha and her 2 golden retrievers, Tobias and Hermine. They were brother and sister but to look at them? Tobias was big. Alright lol, overweight:) Big, cuddly, roly, poly Toby. Hermine. She was skinny. And surely the scott of the 2. Couldn’t sit still for a minute. Except when you were rubbing her belly or otherwise rubbing her somewhere. She demanded all the attention!!

I have never met 2 more lovable dogs. Excluding ours of course! They took to us instantly. Hermine and Tobias were pure piles of furry love. They wanted it, they gave it. Like we’d been family for years. But I digress… Yes. I had many fabulous posts writing in my head this sunny, summer morning. I was on fire as they say.  I’ve complained in the past, I’ll complain again: why has no one come up with the brain tickertape? The one that will automatically spit out all the magical and prolifc word formations that seem to abound when you are not even close to a keyboard! Or pen and paper even!

Now here I sit, suffering from the slow paralysis that is “intentional writing”.  I have…..nothing. How can that even be? How can I have all this dialogue going on in my head while out walking and now….Z RO.  And then I thought of Zoe. You may know her from her blog Rewritten. Or you may have seen her comments at other folks blogs. She does get around. She’s very good like that. Taking time to read and comment and support her fellow writers.

As she lamented her ongoing writer’s block, I thought what a good post she’d written for the TToT. It was simple. Sincere. And a darned good piece of writing. Maybe. Just maybe the Ten Things of Thankful Bloghop could help me.  Here I am.

If 6 did turn out to be 9 today. And! If I had already written 6 of my 10 thankfuls like everyone is expected to :1) another day I woke up, 2) sunshine and blue sky today, 3) a fully functional body, 2) a job, 3) music, 4) a working car, 5) summer berries, 6) health insurance, then that would leave me with having one thankful left. Therefore, I conclude with thanks for believing and witnessing personal power.

 

 

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