“A Circumstance Beyond Our Control”

I’m like you. Like a lot of people. I’ve got my skeletons. Got my darkness. Hell, I’m a clark. That in and of itself should give some of you a huge heads up. LOL. Except I don’t hang out in the dark places too long if I can help it. Did enough of that when I was young. Got smarter about things. “Course it doesn’t always help. You know, to intellectualize things. Sometimes you just have to cry.

I did that today (Friday)  in the ladies room at work. It took one event to tip my scales and there I was. In the stall doin’ the silent, muffle tear jerk. Luckily no one was in there. Why the cry? So simple, stupid. It was a day I felt I needed a little extra “support”. It was the last day of a work week that began in a particularly unpleasant way. Maybe I should start with that?

Pre-story. In case you don’t know. I jumped timelines last October 22, 2013 and arrived in Alexandria, Virginia at the apartment of a nephew by association. A lifesaver in my travelogue diary. I’m still here. And shouldn’t be. Which the Universe reminded me of on Monday morning. It’s funny. Only the day before, Sunday, I came to some heavy duty realizations, some decisions and was anxious to put them in motion. For they would put me in motion. Forward motion. Lacking lately, bigtime.

There’s a project at work. Overtime has been extended. I gladly accepted. Woke up Monday morning at the usual 4:15 am. Had every intention of leaving extra, extra early but alas, I was only a little early. Can’t seem to get to work extra early on Mondays. Anyway, I walked up the stairs from the apartment to the landing at the front doors of the building. Looked out to the parking lot and noticed the picture was wrong. Where. Was. My. Car.  It was gone.

Heart beating fast. The f word now on a loop (in various formations). Yup. This event was way more effective than my usual a.m. caffeine… but way more unpleasant. There had been a recent change in the parking policy that I was unaware of. I had a parking pass in my car but apparently, not the right one. $185 and 35 minutes late to work later, I was fuming. At myself.

Monday = having the Universe rub my face in the gritty sand of stasis reminding me that I have languished too long between timelines.

Friday = realizing that I need absolutely nothing. Almost nothing. Just the basics – music, books, instruments, computer. Anything else? Yes. Coffee.

What happened today? I may have mentioned, navigating timelines is not for the feint of heart. Me? I have no feint heart. (most of the time) Yet today I decided I “needed” something. So I put a ring on my right index finger. A silver, “woven” band that belonged to my mother. A connection to the clarklike female who gave birth to me. My aforementioned “support”.

Sometime in the early afternoon I looked at my hand because I felt “empty”. No ring! I’ve lost it! I’ve lost my mother’s ring. Panic. I looked everywhere at work. Nowhere to be found. Result: the episode in the ladies room. Afterwards? Sadness. Depression. And an absolute belief that “things” are a complete burden. Sentiment …a burden.

It’s a little late to take credit for making the tough decisions in life if the Universe steps in to remind us after the fact. I don’t mind some butting in (by the Universe) ahead of my not so seeing eyes.  But after I “get it”, after I see all the things that until that moment I did not see. Really?

What about that? Am I the only one to have those moments (sometimes awful) of seeing the things that were always there but for my own…what? What keeps us from seeing the things we cannot see?

 

Advertisements

13 thoughts on ““A Circumstance Beyond Our Control”

    1. Yeah, I figure I do have plenty of company:)
      It was. I have this weird paranoia now about going out and not having a car! I park on the street across from the complex now and enjoy a whole new set of paranoias lol
      Thanks Laura:)

      Like

      1. I remember coming out of a friend’s house one time and my car was missing. I had skipped school and my dad caught me. He moved my car while I was inside to freak me out. It worked.

        Like

  1. I’m glad your car wasn’t stolen though – that would have been worse.

    Sounds like a tough week indeed, and I’m glad it’s over for you. As to what keeps us from seeing the things we can’t see? Obstinacy? Determination? Pig-headedness? Or really, a desire for them not to be true, because so often they leave us outsidered and rather lonesome, I think.

    Like

    1. Me too. Funny though. Didn’t think it was that. Yes. I believe that in all things. It can always be/get worse.

      It was a bookend week for sure. Thanks. All of those things and something else. When life becomes routine, as it inevitably does, I believe our brains/minds fall into routine as well. We become complacent. I need to remind my own self to shake things up every now and then before they get shaken for me:)

      Like

  2. omg what a day! I think denial keeps us from seeing and hearing what we would already normally know… How many times have I looked back on a time and thought “holy shit, that’s what was going on then!”?

    My car was stolen three times from in front of my house…The first and second times I was in such denial that i walked around the neighborhood because I was certain I must have parked it elsewhere… its not like I was drunk or something and didnt know where I parked the damn thing!

    OK and the Pretender song… I have a great vid chat story if you ask me about it some time… too long and personal for here!

    Hoping improvement is close! 🙂

    Like

    1. Denial does do that. Even when we think we are not in denial. Weird ass self-preservation gone wrong lol.
      I know what you mean. I try not to dwell on things I know that I should have seen and was seemingly “unaware”.

      No way! So much for “3 times a charm”! Well, maybe for the car thieves. How awful Zoe. Once is bad enough, twice I’d be wondering how the hell it could happen again but the 3rd time? I’d be talking to my higher power demanding some answers!! And especially in front of your house. Damn.

      I will most definitely ask you about the story! Maybe next Friday. It’s been weeks since I’ve made an appearance.

      Thank you. I just want to get rid of the missing car paranoia I now feel:)

      Like

  3. “but for your own seeing of all that might be, clouded by what you know must be…. we create our realities everyday (or they are created for us) out of the limitless potential.
    We live our lives as we know we must, not necessarily as we feel we might or we would if we could.

    Like

  4. OMG. If you genuinely didn’t know about the parking thing, you shouldn’t be held accountable. Take it to court, I’ll bet they’ll dismiss it and just charge you court cost.
    The ring thing is terrible. But try discretely checking the ring fingers of nearby females. Petty criminals aren’t always the brightest bulbs.
    So why does the Universe continue to kick the fuck out of people who don’t really need the lesson? Humility? No, you’re humble enough. Seasoning? Nope, you’ve had enough for two or three people. Even two or three clarks. So what’s the point?
    ( Rogers can bitch out loud like this. People expect it.)

    Like

  5. (if I might)… the expression ‘continue to kick the fuck out of people who don’t really need the lesson’ while recognized as well-intentioned is at peril of being misinterpreted.
    …a sufficiently self-developed clark might ask, when hearing such a heartfelt commiseration, ‘who the fuck said anything about their having the fuck kicked out of them?’ or, for that matter, to what degree is it thought that a lesson might be needed?

    …the Doctrine teaches us much, one of the things most important (to clarks) is that ‘the world is a feeling and we are responsible for how we feel’ (thanks to Carlos Castaneda for at least half of that little expression).

    Like

  6. There’s something to be said about those terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad weeks. Or days. Or years.
    As a clark sometimes those events just shatter our horizon so that time stops and the only thing that works to jump-start us again are those heaving sobs that make the eyes swell.
    Can you tell I’ve been there? Saturday, in fact. My own life story…that…I’m deciding to tell, once and for all, me thinks. Not sure. I’ll know when I graduate. Better to write a book or work on a blog? I have no idea but a tangent I am on.
    Hang in there, sweet friend. I’m not here often right now as I’m in my own academic tizzy but…not only will I stop in from time to time, I will try to call in one of these Saturdays. I’m learning that I’m actually waaaay more introverted than I ever wanted to admit and the weekends have become “recovery time” – whew.
    Looking at what Clark said up there…the world is a feeling and we are responsible for how we feel? Agreed…to a point. Of being an empath or something. I am way too sensitive for my own good and I wear the world’s emotions on my shoulders.

    Like

    1. That they make us stronger?..sure…yeah.. ok. What-ev. lol
      But you are right my friend. There is something to be said about them. Eventually. At least by we like people:)
      Yes. Funny you mention “time”. And the cessation of what is the “present”, the moment. A suspension of normal constraints. To allow for simple feeling. For the body alone to take the lead to express our selves. Forgive me Cyndi:) I am one cup of coffee into a long day. Exactly 6:00 am and I planned to be on the road now. Returning to VA after a long weekend at “home” in RI.
      I am sorry you had such a time on Saturday. I hope you know that if you need the proverbial shoulder or ear, you’ve got mine:)
      I believe you will know what and when to share your story. And in what form. You have been traveling an incredible journey. Truly a journey of import. And achieving success. The success of which is both “academic” and “personal”. Don’t ever forget you are a light:)
      Yes, the concept of the “world being a feeling….” – it may take a bit of time, experience to be able to sort it all out. To simply make the decision of how we are going to deal on a daily basis.
      I have to run Cyndi but I am so glad you stopped by last night. Look forward to your next Saturday call.
      Take care of yourself. And your heart. (insert here the clark hug. no, not that one. the really, really good one)

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s