Warning! “Forced Dump” in Progress. Please. Move Closer to the Edge.

What do you do when circumstances force you to utter/scream/mutter or otherwise say to yourself…”life has become untenable!” What does that even mean?

I spoke those words not too long ago. Not pleasantly and not without expletives. Was it simply the culmination of a day’s worth of “little things”? Or were those “little things” a gift to precipitate a needed “forced dump”? Nice term. Those 2 words appeared in white capital letters against a lovely blue *gasp* background when I turned on my laptop.

Before the screen went black I stared in horror only to spot one other significant word – “crash”. How many times can you can you endure a “forced dump”, survive a “crash”?

3 days later…..

I guess multiple times. At least I can. You know what I say to “enduring”? FUCK THAT SHIT. clarks are famous for the “endurance” thing. Let me give you youngins’ a tip: endurance is a trap. Yuppers. A trap. I’m not talking about enduring traffic on the way to the beach or the discomfort getting your teeth worked on. I’m talking about the “bigger” stuff. The “life” stuff. (thank God for quotation marks!)

What is the point of it? Yeah, yeah, I know. There are times/situations/events that require us to “bite the bullet”, “bide our time” etc. But at what point do you recognize that endurance has simply become a coping tool. Even an escape. From the bullshit that is facing you.

Damn! I’ve got to remember that most folks have “normal” lives. Living life in an orderly, secure fashion. Fortunately, for me (or unfortunately) I know of no one personally waking up each day to a seemingly impossible challenge. But hey! here’s to us! Since this is not a “regular” post but a TTandT post, I’m giving my #1 thanks to that – no one I know is “challenged” today except for the more ordinary stuff. (but if you are, know you can come to this place, the Edge, for a virtual ear, shoulder, temporary respite….empathy.) Alright, let’s get on with this thing.

Deuces wild: the incredible sky last night over the City of Alexandria, VA. Holy shit, it was phenomenally scary and totally invigorating. I swear I looked at it and saw slow motion, barely perceptible, rotation. I looked around at the stupid amount of traffic and wondered…is anybody else seeing all this? Are they even looking?

Triad: as in clark, scott, roger? Sure, wtf. Don’t know what I would be like for not having known/knowing the Wakefield Doctrine. Go check out the Doctrine’s TToT.

Quartering in the fifth (no clue what that means) The sun is shining at this moment as I race to conclude this post so that I can stand in the searing sun to watch Nephew 10 play soccer in this, the elimination round of the playoffs. Part of me does not want him to win lol. Means going back this afternoon for more sticky weather.

A fifth of vodka. No. Thank you. (Vodka was my alcohol of choice in my younger, party days. I don’t seem to imbibe much now that I’m older.) Lessee….that I’m not a Zombie. (see the “Triad”, go read the comments)

Six can be Nine, here at the TToT. Why? SBOR/BOSR. That’s why! For moments in time as in last weekend, after having done the movie/sleepover thing with the nephews and family. Sunday, out in the backyard, 6 yr old asks “Aunt Denise? Want to help me catch fireflys? Me: Sure, as long as we don’t kill them!” 

10 spot: the day that is now. Here. Where I will take a stand. Figure it out people. Figure it out. Today is the only day. Be well, be happy. Live. Now.

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29 thoughts on “Warning! “Forced Dump” in Progress. Please. Move Closer to the Edge.

  1. Tommy Emmanuel! two words: damn!

    all and each of us are reminded that we are (heir) to any and all of the three worldviews (the growing up and developing in results in the ‘personality type’ known as clarks, scotts and rogers), and so to be as you would be is there, within.
    while arguably true that clarks are the ones most in need of (and, I might add, deserving of) change, improvement and a happy satisfying life, I might remind all that happy and and satisfying are, in part, emotional resonance with external conditions.
    …not that the effort (to find and develop inner qualities) is not without value, it is…. there, but for each (or any) of the three personality types to improve involves feeling/knowing/doing the one thing that is most impossible*

    but there is a reason to know that we have the potential of all three within…. it means that change and self-improvement is not something external, to pay a stranger to reveal, to bath in a river with well-meaning people, or even listen to that sincere person speaking of the Path… it’s within.
    I was speaking to a person only yesterday and had cause to tell her that, ‘the Wakefield Doctrine is for you, not them’.

    there is help and assistance but it is always within and there comes a time when, as you mention about enduring when we have to say, ‘the here and now is where everything to be found is to be found’

    * lol… if there is a strictly and technically speaking, clarklike humor here in this comment, it’s probably in that un-noticed crashing of words…. most impossible

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    1. I ditto the “damn!”. Thank you for telling me about him.

      *rogers have “rogerian expressions”….seems clarks have the “word crashing” 😀

      Agreed. Not for anyone but me. For everything begins with me. And how I relate myself to the world. As I clark, I identify with your expression/statement about self-improvement. The funny thing about self-improving, as a clark – we are are own worst enemy. Note to the clarks out there – last night’s Saturday Night Doctrine Drive Call-In Show…you missed a good one! Since there were 2 clarks, the conversation naturally centered on clarks, our self perception vs. how others see us and the often huge disparity of similarity (of those perceptions)*. (I know you rogers and scotts are thinking “shoot! I bet it was scintillating, fascinating stuff”)

      It is within. But not in terms a clark would typically consider. It’s taken years (gee, I can say that now lol) working on my rogerian aspect but the payoff I believe has granted me access on occaision, for lack of better words, to the rogerian reality. Albeit in tiny doses for just a moment perhaps but no less real. Just as I’ve been able to say I’ve walked the world of a scott and, however brief, it was great and exciting but oh so exhausting! 🙂

      I think it’s safe to say that of the 3, clarks are the only ones to have the desire to evolve. To achieve that which, not a one of us really believes, is possible. To be a genuine part of. I don’t think that is one of those possible impossibles. What I do believe however, is the ability to develop oneself in such a way as to easily blend in with folks. To not feel awkward at a coctail party or a distant relative’s birthday party. To be able to attend a sporting event and jump up and down like you do in your living room with only people who know you really well lol.

      I’m rambling a bit today but it’s true. Surrounding all of us, clarks, scotts and rogers, are resources and people and things that are at our disposal. Figuring out the access keycode is the challenge.

      *no but yes. intentional poetics after the fact!

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  2. I laughed when I read about you not wanting your nephew to win the soccer game. So, sooooo many times, I have felt the same way. But then…the boys would be so happy to win the tournament. But another game??? Sometimes, I just don’t want to.
    If any of my boys, including my husband, saw the words “forced dump” they would be in hysterics.
    Very interesting that bit about endurance. I never thought about it, but you’re right. Endurance is a good thing, if there is a goal…an end in sight to give you a reason to endure. But if there is no picture of what the end looks like, endurance isn’t good. It most certainly isn’t living life to it’s fullest. I pray you aren’t enduring in the not good way…

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    1. Oh Christine, I feel so bad! They tied but the other team had more goals so they got to advance while my nephew’s team went home. Still, I was secretly pleased. Even at 10 am it was stinkin’ screaming hot.
      I was reading the title a minute ago and thought the same thing LOL Funny you brought that up! When I wrote it, at no time did I associate it with bodily functions!! 😀
      “Reason to endure” A most excellent point. Thank you. I imagine there are some things I endure. I’d like to think they’re part of the process, part of my recent and ongoing journey. As to living life to the fullest. I hope I can do that each and every day:)

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  3. dyannedillon

    I have totally wished my daughter’s team would just lose and get it over with so we could go home. There. I said it.
    So your computer crashed AND you crashed? Bad combo. My laptop is limping along with something terminal. It currently lost all its icons that let me control things like volume, so I can’t hear the video you posted.
    Stormy skies, I assume? Clouds are cool and scary.

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    1. There’s consensus then….it’s not a bad thing to secretly wish for a loss even though the kids obviously want to win!
      It’s not like they’ll ever know, right? LOL
      Yeah, quite the confluence that night. Glad it’s passed. And that storm? I heard the next day we’d had a tornado warning!
      Fix your computer Dyanne and come back and listen. You’ll like it:)

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  4. Endure. THAT is a good word. And I can see how it’s a trap. I’m listening to the video “Here’s to Us” and I could see how that could be my (and yours – haha!) theme song.
    The last few years of my life…dood…what a freakin’ roller coaster. It’s funny where all the different roads lead.
    Apparently enduring leaping off a cliff and seemingly committing career suicide (in 2012) ultimately led to master’s degrees, and this realization that I love to be creative and want to write but that perhaps not in the way I had envisioned. Endurance entails, then being open to what life brings and one dream – to be a writer or to be an artist – really would be replaced by, “you idiot, you’re SUPPOSED to be in education, no matter what the hell you think.”
    Such is my life. But endurance, again, led to me quitting a great job for a superlative job. Just by doing that, and enduring, led me to a better salary, doing all right with the sale of our former fixer-upper house and buying another that is the nicest yet.
    I share this only because endurance is a cornerstone of clerkdom. And I firmly believe that, like a race, the finish line brings all the payback for the pain endured.
    So…computers, relationships, moving, new jobs: the endurance means that, ultimately, flowers grow in the once-depleted meadow. 🙂
    HUGS to you and have a wonderful week!

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    1. I agree. “Endure” can be a good word. As clarks, I would caution the need for awareness of self. Our inclination to bathe too deeply and long in certain “waters”. That is the trap of which I speak. Yes! A theme song for clarks lol. Such a celebratory song, si? 🙂
      Yours has been a roller coaster ride of inspiration Cyndi. Truly. Combining “enduring” with action in the belief of that thing not realized fully in your head, but just knowing “the thing” is out there. Keeping a forward momentum. Very cool. Too often our people get stuck, allowing fear of getting it wrong to keep us from taking a step, any step!

      “…this realization that I love to be creative and want to write but that perhaps not in the way I had envisioned…” Right there! This is key – To be open to, look for, the other path. The one that lies right beside what you/I originally thought was the “path”. Clark will remind me of “reframing the question”. Which is to say, taking a step back and looking at the situation from another perspective. What is there that I don’t see for having my own clarklike blinders on 🙂
      I love when you stop by Cyndi because you always give me a fresh take on things. See…

      “…what a freakin’ roller coaster.
      It’s funny where all the different roads lead.
      leaping off a cliff
      being open to what life brings
      payback for the pain endured
      I firmly believe
      flowers grow in the once-depleted meadow…”

      Huge hug to you amiga! Talk to you soon I hope 🙂

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  5. plaguedparents

    I think a lot of us secretly hope for a team loss to spare us from more soccer (or whatever sport).
    Hopefully this week will keep you a little further from the edge 🙂

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  6. Crash dumps suck. My computer usually works better after one. I hope the same is true for you.
    When my Hub was a marching band director, there may or may not have been some secret wishing for the football season to end. Playoffs, etc. can be eternal.
    I love this Over the Rainbow video…wonderful. It’s calming my jagged nerves a bit.

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    1. I don’t know if it’s working better but it’s at least working the same!
      Oh, no doubt. Yes, playoffs can go on…and on…and on…:)
      I’m glad and hope your nerves have returned to “non-jagged”.

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