“…and you can’t find the door…” to the Edge

“…can’t find it anywhere…and there’s nothin’ to believe in…still you’re coming back, runninig back for more…”

So what’s up with that?! Increasingly, I find myself in the grips of the tonal (no capital T, will not assign that much value to it). The tonal? The routine of the day to day that is the inverse of all that is….hopeful. Promising. Exciting. Fulfilling. Imo, it is the antithesis to the life well lived. Explored. Expanded.

The Edge. The place from which possibility becomes reality. The place from which anything can emanate. It is the place I need to be more often than not. The cliff whence I would jump. With no fear.

I awakened from rather odd dreams in the wee pre-6:00 am hours. Reluctantly opening my eyes, I stretched enormously, like pulling to the point of breaking a life sized rubber band, muscles that seemed taught from the tension of spending time in an unconcious desperate to find answers.  Not for naught, I sit now trying not to be aware of the passing time. The time I “should be/have/will (fill in the blank)”.

It is the weekend. It is the 2 day holiday of the 9-5. It is an opportunity. Today. Now. To engage the world as I would insist. Not as I would have it. Go ahead. Read that again. It’s a battle. Against inertia. Against patterns. Against self-indulgence. Against the sense of immortality. Right there! Do not getting me going on that one 🙂

Nothing matters except what I do today. Is that such a difficult concept to understand? Well, yeah, for some. for me? It’s all that I have. And if I do nothing. If I sit in a room all day and read or sleep or watch movies, do nothing, as is my inclination today, then what is the point? Of anything that has been my life so far? What is the point at all?

You know one of the best things about having a blog? It’s being able to express, however cryptically, badly, obtusely…my self. Sure, as a writer it’s incumbant to write such that my words resonate with everyone but you know what? Sometimes, I simply don’t have it in me. And honestly, sometimes I wonder that I have the ability. If you don’t use it you lose it. Never a truer group of words. I’ve been losing it lately (yeah pun intended lol). I’m here today to take it back. Get it back. If just for one day.

My offering to the Lizzi Rene Lewis 10 Things of Thankful blog hop.

  1. the Wakefield Doctrine
  2. Carlos Castenada (ya know, the first 4, 5 books)
  3. Slave to the Grind (motivational morning music back in ’91)
  4. Friday Night Vidchat
  5. WD Saturday Night Call in Show
  6. No mountains of snow
  7. Employment, transportation, shelter
  8. Everyone I’ve come to know via participating in the virtual world
  9. Those from #8 who I’ve been able to meet IRL
  10. Waking up one more day.

Enjoy the movement of the day….and sing loudly…if just for one day

 

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23 thoughts on ““…and you can’t find the door…” to the Edge

  1. Love this. Been thinking about doing a ‘Tude post. Because writing and drawing and all that always call my name. 🙂
    Love your thankfuls! Will try to call in this evening. Have been grinding the work routine hard the last two weeks and came down with a cold yesterday. But BUNCHES of Cold Eeze and tea might make it so that I can talk tonight. 🙂

    Hope you’re well! And have you learned some new words in Español?

    1. Thanks Cyndi! I took a quick glance at my e-mail and I will be adding you to my list of reads. I wrote my post this morning and promptly headed out the door into the day 😀 I’m glad you’ve written something at the ‘Tude. Have missed your posts.
      I hope you call in. It’s been awhile. A couple of weeks at least but no worries if you can’t. If the voice isn’t there, it isn’t there, right? (yo Lizzi! yes! there was subtext there lol)
      I am well mi amiga but no, no new words! My little tutor and I have not been able to connect for our lessons lately. My fault. Work interference!
      Hope you feel better very soon. Wrap yourself in your most comfy blanket tonight and maybe we’ll talk 🙂

    1. Aw, you were there Val?! Sorry I missed you too. Can’t remember quite when I got there. Thinking it was a little after 8.
      I tried lightening up a bit. Decided to get my weekly errands/shopping stuff done, came back and went for a walk. Over 3 miles! It was feeling almost as if it was Spring today. So glad I got out to enjoy it 🙂

  2. “NOW is all we have”, and thank you for the lesson, reiterated over so many weeks, yet so easily forgotten by me. It’s the essence of those “Why did you not XYZ when you could have, because one day you’ll look back and wish…” things you see around the Facebook.

    BUT. I think perspective is key. Today, for me, napping and taking it easy was important. I watched half a movie with my mum. I did some artwork for other people. I bummed around online. I (mostly) stayed indoors in the warm, and I think all of those things have very redeeming features.

    Not everything has to be altruism or have a higher purpose. Some of it is self-compassion, some of it is sensory loveliness and aesthetics, and those things are good, TOO. A life well lived, has also to be well-rounded.

    1. You’re welcome, Lizzi. I’m happy to be a vehicle for that important reminder 🙂
      YES, it is about perspective and balance and self-compassion….sounds like you had a lovely day today. A good day 🙂
      No. No it doesn’t. How could it really?
      It does indeed. It does indeed.

        1. Good for you Lizzi. Aha! It is so true that children are complicated and who better to decipher that than a clark 😀
          So glad the weather is holding. I hope that you and niece and neph. (I assume it’s them lol) are having a most wonderful time.
          Today. Now. All of it. For them, today is one more brick to lay in their foundation. You, no doubt, are their Wonder Aunty.

        2. We had a great day. They were mostly well behaved. I didn’t have to shout more than a few times, and they had LOTS of fun.

          It’s interesting because they’re talking about me moving to America, and they’re showing real fascination with all things American, right down to whether the place we saw in the movie (Ft. Lauderdale) was one of the places I went (it wasn’t but I told them I’d been to FL), and whether or not I’d met the actor who played the lead role (sadly not). I love that they’re supportive of the idea, though I think it will be far more wrenching than I anticipate when it plays out for real.

          When. Ha! The confidence…

  3. dyannedillon

    I know just how you’re feeling, but you’re so much better at putting it into words. I sometimes feel as though I’m constantly trying to keep a room full of rabbits gathered into a group, but they hop off and while I’m trying to get one, three more hop away, and when it gets right down to it, I don’t even CARE about the stupid rabbits and just want to take a nap or something. Surely, it will help when it’s spring.

    1. Oh Dyanne, I believe that you do. But you! You have such a creative visual analogy to my words that makes it way more fun to ponder 😀
      Yeah, stupid rabbits! But I can’t make myself let myself take that nap lol
      Oh Spring. And Daylight Savings Time. Truly a period of renewal 🙂

  4. This is how messed up I am…I actually looked forward to being in the hospital having a baby, because it meant 2 days I didn’t have to worry about being productive. I was happy to have surgery, because it meant I could sit and read and do puzzles and watch TV all the live long day without any “I should be” guilty thoughts. I’m having oral surgery on Tuesday, and while I know it’s going to hurt, I’m thrilled with the idea of having a day where I will not be expected to do anything. Kicker is, no one would say one darn thing if I chose to just watch TV or read all day. It’s aaaaaallll me.
    Yay no mountains of snow!

  5. First of all, GREAT song to listen to while reading. Great.
    Definitely yay for no mountains of snow. Definitely.
    And also definitely to all the wonderful people I’ve come to know through the virtual world of blogging and vidchats and such. I just wish I didn’t keep missing the vidchats… 😀
    Waking up another day…yes, truly a thing worthy of gratitude and how many of us actually think of it most days? Good one.

    1. Thanks Lisa. I know you’re an Eagles fan 🙂
      I think we’re past the “snow days” for sure.
      It’s tough some Fridays I’m sure but try and make the next one. Last week’s chat was really good 😀

  6. Well but OF COURSE 8 and 9 are my superfavs because you were there and I was so very very glad that you were even though other people don’t know how to do nachos. We STILL have snow piles here – it’s disgusting and weird. I grew up in Colorado as you know and we’d NEVER have had snow piles for this long (mostly). It’s the lack of sun after although this weekend was fairly glorious. Also I don’t think time spent hibernating is ever wasted, for the record. I need it to go back out again myself. I end up bingewatching shows. This week, it’s been The Americans, about some Russian spies right in your ‘hood, in the Reagan administration. It’s some entertaining stuff. But then I went outside. Kicked a ball. Did the things. I think both equally make me better and more here. Or something.

    1. Aw thanks Kristi. And yeah – I thought those nachos sucked too LOL
      It is weird and disgusting! Snow shouldn’t be black!!
      Hm…I’ll revisit the hibernation thing before the weather changes and it’s too late 😀
      Yes. Go out and do things. That’s what it’s about ‘cuz yeah, it does make us better and more. Well said 🙂

    2. Did someone say nachos?? How did they mess them up? But mostly I jumped in, because if you all ever come to visit me, I’m taking you to a place that has pot roast nachos. I know. I was skeptical when I first heard about them, too. I’m telling you, the are the bomb diggity.

      1. Whoah! Wait a minute! Pot roast nachos? 😀 Oh yeah. Count me in too! lol I want to be able to say I ate “pot roast nachos” 😀
        Yo Kristi! Next time road trip? Christine’s? Pick me up!!

        The nacho chips themselves weren’t too bad but the serving was on the small side. And aren’t you supposed to cover the nachos with a ton of stuff? Kristi specifically told the waiter she wanted cheese on EVERY nacho :D:D

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