…shining stars that dot the darkness of my life

The grey insists on trying to seep through the narrow slats of the mini blinds but, luckily, is absorbed by the sheers overlaying them. The sheers, my protection today. The light cinammon colored material hangs lazily, non chalantly from the tops of the 2 windows that grace my room. And still, there is no light.

It is Saturday morning and I’m reminded that there is a Lizzi event going on. My friend Lizzi, a fellow clark, went out on a limb one day, put forth into the world this thing, this bloghop, in which I participate. I’m sure you’ve heard of it by now. The Ten Things of Thankful. It is her creation, her gift. And all of you who participate, whether writing a Ten Things post or reading a Ten Things post, give it life.

  1. Shelter. (from the storm)
  2. A reliable car to drive, to get me where I need to go, want to go. Or, simply just to drive.
  3. The occaisonal reminder of the important kind. The “hey, snap out of it!” variety.
  4. That finally! I was able to see the bird in it’s garage nest. My new parking space at work is right beside a pole in the underground garage. Up on one of the ledges is a bird’s nest. When I would go to my car at lunch or when leaving at the end of the day, a bird would swiftly swoop out of it’s nest and out of the garage. Had I had my camera in my hand yesterday, I could have caught a really good picture of him/her.
  5. Little bursts of creativity exploding like a microburst.
  6. Almira. While I am enjoying reading the story, I’m also proud to see my brother evolve as a writer.
  7. the Wakefield Doctrine.
  8. Music. From new artists, like this clarklike female. She speaks true words in her intro. Listen, clarks.
  9. That my laptop is still functioning after last week’s blue screen, forced shutdown tantrums.
  10. This grey day. Outside and inside. It is what it is. It is what I make it. It is what I choose it to be.
  11. SBOR/BSOR baby. Of course I can go to 11. So let’s add Robert Rodriguez. Came back this afternoon to publish this post and decided, what the heck, why don’t I put on the TV. Lo and behold the station I had left it on is playing the “Mexico Trilogy”. Missed El Mariachi and only caught the last 1/3 of Desperado, but now, Once Upon a Time in Mexico. Compliments nicely with the thunderous darkness gathering outside my light cinammon sheers.

Oh, and remember kids, in the immortal words of Stephen Stills,… don’t let the past remind us of what we are not now…

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70 thoughts on “…shining stars that dot the darkness of my life

    1. Well, last Tuesday I was getting ready for the gym. Stoked for a good workout. Went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and blammo! I had the spark of creative thought (imagine that?! lol) But I knew if I stopped to turn on my computer to write, I wouldn’t go, so I broke out the pad and pen, got some ideas down….it’s good to know there’s something left πŸ˜€

  1. STILL not good at making it what I make of it, because it’s raining HARD outside, and it’s cold and grey and meant to be SUMMER. And inside it’s raining and aching and meant to NOT be so miserable. One day I’ll learn. Maybe. With enough practice. But not yet.

    1. Oh, my Lizzi. I get it. I do. And that’s why I am returning tonight (my night) to write words that will resonate with you. I know that I have the words, the language to give you a little something that may help.
      As a seasoned clark :), I know that there is an element of “one day”. You are young and I feel (love to use the rogerian term, see! practice does work lol) my experience, translated, may help you aquire some skills to deal with living in the personal reality of a clark.
      Talk to you soon. *huge hug*

      1. Definitely, and I’m ever so thankful for your example, your input, your feedback, and your friendship. And always inspired by your courage, and determination, dear one.

        Today it rained insistently but…I was okay. I was achey, but okay. BUT…I was out of the dip, and it’s IN the dip that the problem lies. I don’t seem to be able to get out of that one. HOWEVER. As your bro says…I try to take notes. I’m always glad for a sneak preview at yours though πŸ˜‰

        1. Thank you Lizzi for your kind words.
          Mine? Tonight? There’s a jumble of words…it’s a jumble because the flow, the ease is getting tangled in “where to begin”. Not tonight apparently!
          Having said that, I’m glad that you were OUT of the dip. It is always, always being IN the dip that presents the biggest challenge. It could last a day or it could last a week. I think the object as an evolving clark is to be able to come out of the dip easier and quicker than in times past. That there are tools and tricks and ways not to indulge in the bad feeling, the hopeless, what is the point of it all feeling, readily available.

          I’m sucking tonight. My “words of wisdom” are elusive creatures. And see! Here’s a perfect example of the unnecessary pressure we like people impose on ourselves. This morning I write to say that I’ll be back with words I know I have for you. And I haven’t been able to summon the right ones and feel guilty for not being able to express my thoughts the way I want to or know that I can if I were just writing it in my head. So I’m still typing all cross eyed tired because I don’t want to disappoint you. I’m putting pressure on myself that you would tell me I shouldn’t be putting on myself. So the question is why? (The key often lies more in the question than the answer, non?) Why do we put such high expectations on all that we do?
          It’s late and I’m exhausted. I’ll see you real soon with something that you will be able to digest, file away and one day…

        2. Ahhh I’m glad you decided to take the pressure off. That’s quite a lesson in itself, you know, because it’s something I think clarks are terrible at doing. Then again, maybe it’s an ingrained habit of self-sabotage and setting ourselves up to fail, just to further emphasise that we can never *quite* be good enough.

          Today I feel all difficult and at angles with the world and everything in it. It’s uncomfortable. I’m torn between writing something people can enjoy, something REAL, and…nothing at all.

          *HUGS* to you, my friend ❀ I hope you feel well rested.

        3. Correctomundo! Our people are always pressuring ourselves to be better, more. Exacting perfection from ourselves.
          Is that the source of feeling difficult and at angles with the world? The writing conflict? If so, then that’s a start to the untangling.
          You know, the writing nothing at all is OKπŸ™‚

          Our people by nature are inclined to put others first. Often we think of others before our own selfs. One of those practice things – not always putting others before our own selves. Much involved in “evolving”…

          Thank you. I’ve needed some lately. No! Not rested! I was late to work today! lol But I will be in bed no later than 10 πŸ™‚

        4. Ahhh good for you for getting an early night. I had myself one of those yesterday, with a good book. Didn’t even open my laptop! Unprecedented! Felt good though.

        5. πŸ™‚ It wasn’t quite as early as I intended..but not too bad.

          Good for you! I’m glad you did that for yourself. Now you have set a precedence πŸ˜€ It felt good, nothing broke or fell apart. See? *wink, wink*
          I hope you do that for yourself more often.

        6. We shall see. I *DID* manage to mega work-out this weekend, in spite of everything, and got up super early yesterday to do so, because I knew it was going to be a weekend of feasting (and oBOY was it ever) and I felt…free to partake and enjoy because I was all done and gymmed up, so HOORAY for that little change in attitude!

          Back to the gym tomorrow to make sure not too much of the badness sticks! Thank goodness for close gyms! I think when I get to the US, membership will need to be a priority.

        7. I am jealous! I have not been to the gym for a good workout in….way, way too long 😦
          Good for you for going early. I wish I could get to a gym in the a.m. Would make it so much easier πŸ™‚
          Yay! for feasting without guilt! Attitude is everything isn’t it?

          You will be my inspiration for the gym Lizzi. I seem to have lost my momentum as of late.
          Oh yes. You must join a gym when you get here!!

        8. I heard that if you’re a member at one YMCA, you’re a member at all of them!

          And if you want an accountability partner…I’m trying to make sure I get 4 workouts a week.

          Attitude is everything but sometimes also so is being comfy in your own skin, which is something I’m still working towards, though I was closer in September, and not so bad in February, and a lot worse since then.

        9. That would be excellent. You’d always have a gym as long as you were near a YMCA!
          4 workouts a week would be great. When I was your age (damn! I can say that now lol) I worked out 4-5 days a week. I loved it and never felt better. Stick with it but don’t beat yourself up if you miss a day here or there πŸ˜€

          Agreed. It is a challenge for clarks to feel comfortable in our own skins but! it is possible. Sometimes, feigning an attitude (of being comfortable with ourselves) can be like trying it on and the more you try it on, well, the more familiar it will feel and the more familiar it feels, the probabilities of it being incorporated into our being go up. πŸ™‚

          So what happened from September to February? And since February? *Go get the “big” mirror* (I aks not for you to tell me but more for your own self. As reminder. I know that you know what it is that torpedoed the being comfy in your skin)

        10. I wish 4-5 workouts a week would do the trick for me! Perhaps it’s a slow and steady thing to a place where I’m happy. I’m not sure. I’ll let you know when I find out.

          I like the idea of ‘fake it til you make it’, or in this case ‘fake it til you buy your own lies’. Except they’re not always lies but only to us. *sigh*

          September to February, LOSS, on a major scale. Depression and crying and eating and retreating and not-moving. Then urgent recovery in time to revisit…then LOSS (and surgery) and not-moving and eating and depression and…you get the picture.

        11. Maybe…slow and steady wins the race, right?
          No! Not β€˜fake it til you buy your own lies’. It’s a practice thing. Practicing “self affirmations” πŸ™‚

          I get the picture. Oh, I get the picture. Eyes forward, eyes forward.

          Your turn…. *HUGS*

        12. Today I am telling myself I didn’t fail by wimping out of going to the gym. I was falling-down tired, so sleep was necessary and better for me than struggling through an exhausting work-out which left my body out of resources. Right? I’m gonna keep telling myself that until I believe it or it doesn’t matter. THAT might be the way forward.

          Hope you’ve had a successful day (of course you have – it was a new one) *HUGS*

        13. Absolutely! You know the difference between rationalization/excuse and acceptable, valid reasoning πŸ™‚
          Today is a new day with another opportunity to make better choices. (no one said it was easy. it’s damn hard working being a clark *wink*)
          Sorry, I missed you last night!

          Thank you Lizzi. Today wasn’t bad. Not bad at all πŸ™‚
          *HUGS*

        14. I guess that’s one way of looking at it. I’m teetering on the brink of thinking today has been AWESOME, and that I’ve totally let myself down and am about to make it worse. *sigh*

        15. Bugger. Did you? ACK! *hugs*

          It took a couple of days but I’m back. Gymming til I could barely think helped a LOT! A lot a lot a lot, and thank GOODNESS for the opportunity.

          How was your day? Hope it was kind to you ❀

        16. Aw, thanks. Know I send virtual hugs to you most when you are in that place πŸ™‚

          I’m so glad you are “back”! And HUGE kudos for getting your body to the gym. That is the one thing I struggle with at those times. I haven’t been to the gym since last Saturday 😦 I did walk yesterday which is a plus.

          I am one day behind. Didn’t turn on the laptop last night. But! Yesterday was a good day. Can’t explain it, but I feel there was a turning point of some sort for me at work. Perhaps it’s moving from being the “new person” to being “one of us” πŸ˜€

          I’m beginning my Thursday whilest you are halfway through it. I’m wishing you a most excellent day Lizzi. Excellent day.

        17. Walking is good. I walked today cos I was so tired I couldn’t bear the thought of going to the gym.

          HOORAY for your turning point! Inclusion is SO big and so important! I hope it continues and embetters and gets even more includey *HUGS*

          And yep. Thursday’s nearly done here, and so am I nearly done here too. Think I might need an early night!

        18. It is. A tad boring but I walk a course that is very hilly so I know I get a good workout.
          Good for you for walking even though you were tired πŸ™‚
          Thanks! It was a challenging day as was today, new stuff to learn…all the time. While sometimes it’s frustrating, I’m glad for it.
          Hopefully, you are sleeping soundly with only good dreams. Night, night Lizzi *twinkly stars*

        19. Ahhh well done you for even having a course to go!

          Challenging is good, as long as not TOO much. I know you know, yaknow? I hope you’re left satisfied with how the challenges panned out.

          WEIRD dreams. Angry with lots of violence that had no effect…but then I suddenly and unexpectedly saw my dad yesterday so that might well explain it.

        20. My apologies Lizzi. Skipping days again 😦

          So far, challenges are panning out. I look forward to the “different” scenarios/files as they typically are the ones that accelerate the learning curve πŸ˜€

          WEIRD, angry, violent dreams. Not good. Except for the fact your psyche is trying work through something…

          So today. How are you today?

        21. Hey, no obligation. LIFE, right?

          My psyche was trying to work through seeing my Dad, I think. BLECH!

          Today was good. Tomorrow is a TWO workout day, so I’m less worried about how badly I ate today πŸ™‚ How are you?

        22. Yes…LIFE.

          Aw, take this hug, OK? I don’t know the details, don’t need to know the details, just that you’re doing OK working through it πŸ™‚

          I’m glad that today was good for you. My day is winding down and well, not the best. Weekends, I’ve concluded, are a battle. This is my life, but not the one I want. And yet, each day is the path to the one that I want. Discipline and faith. Desire and energy. How to cultivate and maintain…

          2 day workout day?! Really? Hardcore, young lady. Good for you!!

        23. Ohhh this week has SUCKED. I was royally off the edge 😦 Boooooo. I’m *maybe* back today but I don’t want to speak too soon. *SIGH* GOOD GRIEF! Being a clark can just BUGGER OFF some days! I’ve had the clark-darks up to HERE!

        24. I’m sorry Lizzi that the week has sucked 😦
          Sometimes there’s no telling. And that my friend is the awful truth. Having said that, I hope that you are “back” πŸ™‚
          There’s no doubt that being a clark can be totally exhausting.

          Counting down the weeks to when you arrive here?

        25. I think I’m back, as of today. For now.

          And no movement on the visa, so November will be a holiday, but YES to counting down. *HUGS* to you my friend – I hope you’re ok ❀

        26. I’m glad your’re back. Now is all we have. So good timing πŸ˜€

          Really? Well, keep crossing off those days, that will turn into weeks that will turn into THE day πŸ™‚

          I am OK Lizzi. Thank you for the hugs!!

        27. Wish there was a “fix” for that but….try and find the “place” to roll with it. Got to roll with it baby πŸ™‚
          (I can say that tonight. Yesterday? Last night? Hell no!)

        28. Well done you for being able to say it at all. I keep saying “I think I’m coming back into the light” right as I fall off the cliff again, so I’m not gonna say that any more. UGH!

          Hang on in there, tough lady ❀

        29. I agree in avoiding anything that smacks of a set up lol. You will find the “way(s)” to deal with those times and hopefully, in time, the span between falling off the cliff and standing on it’s precipace will shorten.
          The title to my blog must be clear to you now, eh? πŸ˜€

          I’m hangin’. Thank you my friend.
          I’ve got some pretty strong arms, you just give a holler if you’re in a spot your own self and need to hang on proxy πŸ™‚

        30. Yes…I never realised that before (see? obtuse!) but I totally get it. Keep hanging. At the moment I’m okay and have things to look forward to, even! Hooray for that! There is progress here, even if it’s not quite the progress I want. So there’s that πŸ™‚

          Has your day been alright? I hope it was okay for you xo

        31. It’s amazing what we look at and then, “see”!(the “duh” moments) Yesterday was one of those days I marveled at my own “obtuseness” (out on a lunch errand). Guess it was more of a “holy shit, you couldn’t figure that out!”, typically followed by embarrassent. But here’s the new thing – while it caused me stress, while I felt the beginnings of self-recrimination, I stopped the stream that usually turns in the the river of “well, fuck me” and employed a recently acquired tool. I thought about what I was thinking, at the same time about the thing that was making me feel like that (emotion) while being fully cognizant of my actions. (yes! that statement is a tad obtuse) but my point is, I was having a pretty good day up until then. When I couldn’t figure something out, appeared (in front of others) as a total dumbass, I was able to “disable” the self-indulgence in feeling bad about myself.

          But enough about me! LOL I’m happy you have wonderful things to look forward to! I have never known an internationl jetsetter πŸ˜€ I’m so glad that, while not coming here on your visa, you will at least have a little holiday here. Very nice πŸ™‚

          Progress is made each day. Each day we can shorten our clarklike indulgences. Each day we act without hesitation. Each day we are of the moment. Each day we live as if it were our last. I truly believe this and yet, last night I so totally did not. Fell apart at the end and lay like broccoli on my bed. But! It’s all about the steps we take each day. There is a cumulative effect. There is.

          Here’s to you Lizzi! Here’s to me! Let’s have a one and only day today! (Saturday)
          xoxo

        32. Lay like broccoli? What the…?!?!? I *ate* broccoli last night for dinner. Does that make it a clarkincidence? I don’t know. I DON’T KNOOOOWWW!

          Here’s to YOU though, Girlie, for being able to do the thinking through AT THE TIME and get your mind straight on matters. That’s really awesome! I’m impressed and hope that one day I can learn that as well.

          Last night I was steaming at the ears and full of bile. Today I’ve gotten back to the gym and I’m achey and glowy and pleased. Swimming tomorrow with Niece, so I’m UP on exercise and endorphins but…still no news on the visa.

          Hope your Saturday is filled with lovely things ❀

        33. Yeah! Haven’t you seen Pretty Woman?! Gee, I don’t know. Ma-ay-bee? lol
          I love broccoli too but I’m always too lazy to prepare it.

          Thanks Lizzie. If we don’t find the ways to work through the traps that often lead us to the fringes of the awful place, then life isn’t going to be much fun, ya know? I believe that you will learn your own methods to sidestep those traps.

          Oh no! What happened to get you steaming?? I’m glad you got back to the gym today. I went today too πŸ™‚ Sounds like an excellent time with Niece tomorrow. Is it just a girls day for you two? That would be fun πŸ˜€

          Won’t they tell you what the hold up is on the VISA?

          Thanks. Now that your Saturday is all but concluded, I hope it too was completely filled with lovely things. (I really need to find out how to stick those hearts in my comments too!!!!)

        34. Hearts are a < and a 3 put next to each other πŸ™‚ It WORKS on here!

          Today was just me and Niece and we went to visit my Grandad in his care home and took him some beers, then we had a light lunch before meeting my colleague and her 10 y/o daughter for the swim…and then I came home and crashed into bed, utterly done in, which is RIDICULOUS given we were only in the pool for 90 mins, but I think Niece was operating at about 200%!!!

          A tricky relationship with someone who I used to be close to, is what got me steaming, but it all worked out okay in the end, so that was a relief! I think I even learned one of those ways that might be a way to work through a trap rather than getting snared in it. Life's a minefield though, oyyy!

          I HAVE seen Pretty Woman, but clearly TOO LONG AGO! Is that the bit where she meant she was just going to lay in the bed for ever and ever and ever? I can understand that.

          My dear friend, I do hope your day today was manageable. And HERE'S a tip…hand grip exercisers! They did a study about it (it's somewhere on the BBC and I can find it if you like) and a group of people who did hand grip exercises in lieu of anything else, but did those every (?)day, experienced a surprising and significant drop in blood pressure, and felt good about themselves. I bought hand grips for myself and WonderAunty yesterday…I can only recommend them! Say the word and a set will wing their way to you (why should distance stop me?)

        35. Thank you. Let’s see now…..<<<3 We'll see if that comes out in a heart:)

          I bet Grandad was happy to see you and Niece and surely enjoyed his beverages! Light lunch is always prudent before swimming but only 90 minutes you say?! That’s an hour and a half! Aren’t kids amazing? Don’t you wish you could recapture that kind of automatic, high energy, this is now, nothing else exists kidlike 200%? lol Niece will sleep like a log tonight no doubt. You too I imagine πŸ˜€

          As long as it worked out, that’s what counts. Perhaps of greater import is (as a result of that interaction) the discovery of a possible tool by which you can use moving foward to help navigate those occaisonal “minefields”. *wink*

          Actually, I thought it was when Julia was telling Richard Gere about how it’s good to take time off…was that in a bed scene?! Damn. I should check my sources before using them, huh πŸ˜€

          Today. Well I had good intentions, you know, the ones the road to hell is paved with lol. I slept great (because of good workout yesterday) and wound up sleeping later than normal. Kinda through off the day. But! I managed another trip to the gym. That’s 2 consecutive days and that is a good thing πŸ™‚ Hand grips, eh? Aw, thank you, Lizzi! I have no doubt you would send some right away if I asked πŸ™‚

  2. I love the microburst – and I feel like I know that term for some reason. I think that might be how they described a crazy weather thing that happened around here last summer.
    Love the Aurora video, too.
    Here’s to hoping my creativity shows up again sometime soon.
    Have a good week!

    1. The weather bursts are way scarier than the mind bursts for sure! lol
      Yeah, I like her.
      I will send positive “yes, Lisa! your creativity has returned!” vibes your way πŸ˜€
      Have a good week too!

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