Lessons, Learning, Peeking Around the Edge

Sunday. Morning. Been up for a coupla hours. Morning has always been a treasure left undiscovered. Eagerly anticipated as it was the one part of the day I could completely indulge. The space between each line uncharted territory beckoning to be discovered/revealed.  When did it stop being the most enjoyable part of my day? When did sitting comfortably, pad and pen in hand, (replaced now with white screen and keyboard) cease to be that solitary walk along the deserted beach, scoping tide washed sand for shells and sea glass and driftwood?

Who do I have to thank for sitting me down, right now and asking? Christina Perri? Pinterest for sending me links that might interest me? That Pinterest shared with me GirlieOnTheEdge’s post “Of Metal and Mayhem” from 2 years ago featuring Ms. Perri singing “Jar of Hearts” is no coincidence (actually it is but let’s roll with it). Whatever the cue that illicits emotional content, I believe I owe it to myself to follow the trail. Cueing the song for the 4th time, chorus now indelibly etched into my brain for the day.

Reminders. How important are they? Very, yes? Of course. Without them we might miss that important drs. appointment or job interview or teacher parent meeting. Daily reminders. We all need them. I don’t want to talk about those reminders though. I want to explore the “holyshitIforgotabouttheohyeah,can’tbelieveIforgotIcouldIforget” reminders. Life shit. Get where I’m going? Inside of your head, reflective, self assessing, time to review, pull down the shade, find a comfy chair and…review. Remember. Remember the stuff you told yourself not to forget.

As on most Saturday nights, I call into the Wakefield Doctrine Saturday Night Call in Show. Typically, especially these last couple of years, it’s Clark (your host), myself and more recently and consistenly, Cynthia. Now wait a darn minute! Nuh, huh…it is too very enjoyable and humorfilled and….informative.  When it’s only us clarks, there is much identification going on, many reveals and “aha’s” and in general “no shits!” and yes, it can be a wild time lol. Who says a three way conversation among clarks is boring. It’s not always about the Doctrine ya know. Well, actually how can it not be?

As I suspected, I’ve veered a bit off course. Retrospection, if done properly can be a valuable tool. Recollection without the indulgence of feeling bad, can be a valuable tool. Remembering to remember can be a valuable tool. Thanks to Clark last night, I remembered some things that naturally I’d forgotten. Funny, I made a comment about being in denial (the usual life shit, where am I, what am I, why, why not) and Clark pointed out that when an individual is in a state of denial, they are not consciously aware they’re in denial. Example? If someone sees white, when it is black. They see only white. They do not know it is black because for that person, it is white. So how much of what I see or don’t see has it’s roots embedded in denial? How can I know I’m in a state of denial? Does that imply someone, other than myself, should be telling me how it really is? How’s that for a big ole can of squirming, radioactive worms?! LOL

I’m fairly certain I’ve lost most folks. In fact, I may have even lost the clarks! It’s a rambling, self indulgent kinda day today – it’s a reminder today. To look so that I can see without prejudice, that which is in front of me, surrounding me. What is it I refuse to see? Cannot recognize? When will I know, how can I know those times I’m in denial? Can I rescue my own self? Gee, thank you brother. You’ve always got my back 😀

One of my favorite TV characters, a clark, was all about finding the truth. He insisted the “truth was out there”.  Am I ready for the truth? I know this clip will totally resonate with my people. Here’s to a TToT weekend for yes, this is a TToT post. The thankfuls? They’re out there. Just have to find them.

And Yet I Find…Another TToT at the Edge

Good morning. Welcome to GirlieOnTheEdge and my contribution to the Ten Things of Thankful blog hop, courtesy of our own world traveling Lizzi Lewis.

I sit facing almost due east, to my right, early morning sun near blinding me as it demands entrance into the lower level family room in which I have taken refuge today. Light so bright my reflection stares back at me, superimposing my own self over these words. Quite cool. For this, I am thankful.

2. I gaze both at this screen and out the French doors into the world of my homeland. And so, I am thankful for a safe journey yesterday arriving in sunshine.

3. So very thankful I am to be on vacation! It has been a year since having time off. Feels good 🙂

4. I am always thankful for my brother and sister-in-law’s kindess and generosity. They always make me feel welcome when I visit. I’m thinking, hoping, perhaps this trip, this time, clarity will be mine as I sleep soundly in the room of re-direction. I’d like to think I’ll sleep in since I’m on vacation. In my mind’s eye that is what I will do this week. But if today is any indication, I’ll be awake and up before 6:30 am. Wait! That is sleeping in!

5. As things turned out, my visit this week allows me to celebrate my sister’s birthday in person 😀

6. This may be a bit premature, but I’m thankful in advance for being able to get together with a few friends while I’m back. Guess I’d better let them know, eh? 😀 I’m a fan of surprises. rogers, in general, aren’t that into surprises. You know, the preparation thing. Which is why I told my sister Thanksgiving Day I was coming to visit. Sure enough, she made plans for today…last Thursday 🙂 Fine by me since I had made the “surprise” plan for Wednesday night 🙂

7. the Wakefield Doctrine.

8. Proximity to Mystic, CT. It’s where Annaliese grew up. I’m thinking of driving there for some inspiration. The writing thing. Gone for months. Perhaps this trip will facilitate a comeback

9. Finding spots. I have a new spot in the downstairs of this home sitting in the wingback by the French doors, looking out to green and trees. Yup. This is it. This is the writing place. Fingers crossed the words will come.

10. This day.  A gift I shall not squander. I will go out into it and celebrate.

Sleep is Under Rated. Right??

I tried to sneak up on myself tonight, you know to write a 6 Sentence Story. It’s the blog hop hosted by Zoe. Yeah, that Zoe 😀  This week’s cue word is “stick”

Not as easy as you think, sneaking up on yourself, so I’ve sent up a plea to the vowel gods and implored the concierge  of consonents to assist me with this, my entry for this week’s 6 Sentence Story. I mean, if the stars can occaisionally align, then why, oh why can’t the independent letters of the English alphabet align themselves into words to form a clever little story, poem, vignette….something. I mean we’re only talking 6 sentences!

It was Christmas Eve, all Currier & Ives smeared windows, picture perfect New England winter wonderland day, oh, so silent.

Slight crunching could be heard from boots trying to walk on frozen water, almost successful, treading carefully, making their way guiltily to the front door, a stick snapping in two, a precursor to events yet to unfold .

Hushed, yet not night, the sun ambled it’s way, rolling like a beach ball over the dunes towards the distant blue black horizon, to take refuge for another cycle, night following a day, always.

Life, it seemed, would never be the same, an era ending, not so much in fireworks as in the slow extinguishing of a single, solo, smoldering ember, the dying of a fire never meant to go out.

Where, when, how, do paths veer, hearts wander, intent go astray….

Christmas Day, surely was solemn as two hearts lay, torn asunder, beneath the low hanging branches of a holiday tree adorned majestically, sadly for a last time, would the star shine.

 

 

 

…shining stars that dot the darkness of my life

The grey insists on trying to seep through the narrow slats of the mini blinds but, luckily, is absorbed by the sheers overlaying them. The sheers, my protection today. The light cinammon colored material hangs lazily, non chalantly from the tops of the 2 windows that grace my room. And still, there is no light.

It is Saturday morning and I’m reminded that there is a Lizzi event going on. My friend Lizzi, a fellow clark, went out on a limb one day, put forth into the world this thing, this bloghop, in which I participate. I’m sure you’ve heard of it by now. The Ten Things of Thankful. It is her creation, her gift. And all of you who participate, whether writing a Ten Things post or reading a Ten Things post, give it life.

1. Shelter. (from the storm)
2. A reliable car to drive, to get me where I need to go, want to go. Or, simply just to drive.
3. The occaisonal reminder of the important kind. The “hey, snap out of it!” variety.
4. That finally! I was able to see the bird in it’s garage nest. My new parking space at work is right beside a pole in the underground garage. Up on one of the ledges is a bird’s nest. When I would go to my car at lunch or when leaving at the end of the day, a bird would swiftly swoop out of it’s nest and out of the garage. Had I had my camera in my hand yesterday, I could have caught a really good picture of him/her.
5. Little bursts of creativity exploding like a microburst.
6. Almira. While I am enjoying reading the story, I’m also proud to see my brother evolve as a writer.
7. the Wakefield Doctrine.
8. Music. From new artists, like this clarklike female. She speaks true words in her intro. Listen, clarks.
9. That my laptop is still functioning after last week’s blue screen, forced shutdown tantrums.
10. This grey day. Outside and inside. It is what it is. It is what I make it. It is what I choose it to be.
11. SBOR/BSOR baby. Of course I can go to 11. So let’s add Robert Rodriguez. Came back this afternoon to publish this post and decided, what the heck, why don’t I put on the TV. Lo and behold the station I had left it on is playing the “Mexico Trilogy”. Missed El Mariachi and only caught the last 1/3 of Desperado, but now, Once Upon a Time in Mexico. Compliments nicely with the thunderous darkness gathering outside my light cinammon sheers.

Oh, and remember kids, in the immortal words of Stephen Stills,… don’t let the past remind us of what we are not now…

GirlieOnTheEdge Asks: Are you Listening?

Have you ever heard a song for the first time and instantly felt it grip you with emotional tenterhooks? Hooks so sharp they effortlessly pierce the hardened lining you mistakenly attributed to life?  Left hanging, stretched in places not often stretched, you wonder what just happened? Then you’re all like “I love this song”. No never mind it’s a cover of a very old song. It affects us on a level that all too often we brush aside in the name of “I don’t have time right now” or “I can’t because I have to (fill in the chore, routine)”. Music, people. It’s the doorway to another place within our own selves. Walk through it. Make the effort to open that door. You see, doors are made to open first.

Sunday TToT post? It sure is!

1. The weather the last few days! In the mid-Atlantic it’s beautiful. Summer has arrived! Having recently emerged from 26 days out of 30 with rain….it’s glorious.
2. Reminders. From folks who don’t care if I like what they have to say but tell me anyway because well, they care.
3. My new job. So far so good. It takes time to learn a new job. I am attempting to be more patient with myself and ignore the internal screams of “you’re not learning fast enough”, “what the hell! why didn’t you remember that?!”
4. That I have a rather pleasant alternative for lunchtime walks if I need a little peace and quiet. The  builiding I work in is situated next to a funeral home. Next to the funeral home is…a cemetary.
5. I’ve gotten to the gym 2 days consecutively! Don’t laugh! That’s a big one for me 😀
6.  the Wakfield Doctrine. (of course!)
7. My health. I’m totally grateful that I have no major health issues and that my mind is still functional, still able to learn and develop. (uh, one of you better let me know if not! lol)
8. To my littlest of housemates for reminding me to brush my teeth at night! We made a pact a couple of months ago to remind each other every night (almost every night lol) to brush our teeth. In an effort to help a 9 year old with improving her dental hygiene, she has helped me. Funny, that reciprocity thing 😀
9. Music. New. Old. Old new.
10. This day. The only day.

Listen for the music. When you cannot hear it, remember to use your eyes to see the music your ears are not hearing…

 

#Ode to Lila. A Sunday TToT Post

I officially walked, Kenneth Cole black leather case hanging from my shoulder, into my new TimeLine at precisely 8:30 am. Monday, May 9, 2015. A relative straight line 7.1 miles from where I presently live, I no longer have the commute from hell. No more Cowboy driving (6:00 am), no more Video Game driving (7:00 pm). The Capital Beltway has given way to a lesser road. And sometimes it’s alright to travel a lesser road.

It has been 4 weeks since my last TToT and these are my thankfuls:

1.) the Cat

2) My own damn self

3) the Wakefield Doctrine

4) My new work place. The people there are…nice. The atmosphere is…comfortable. And! They have cake day once a month (yes, there is also ice cream to go with said cake!) I’m grateful to work with a group of people who, from the beginning, made me feel welcome. I appreciate that.

5) And! I’m appreciating enjoying a new career that is not as deadline driven as my last job. I have walked this new world, for a full two weeks and it has taken that amount of time for me to re-adjust my body, my brain. It’s taken that amount of time to learn to not pressure myself to read faster, comprehend faster, do everything…faster. There is not the pressure to get it done by (fill in the time, same day). What a novelty! lol

6) I’m quite grateful for working on the 5th floor. There are a total of 6 floors, 7 if you include the basement where you access the garage beneath the building. I’ve recently (as in the latter part of this past week) begun to walk the the stairs at lunch. I’ll walk up to the 6th floor, turn around, walk down to the basement, back up, then back down and out the garage to take a walk outside. Why not? (The first time I did it I thought my heart would pound right out of my chest!) Besides, I’m not a fan of elevators. Here’s 2 new reasons why: 1) On the close of my second day, I rode Elevator 1 from the 5th floor to the 1st. It’s customary for the elevator doors to open at the floor corresponding to the button you pushed, yes? Well, the ride’s over and the doors didn’t open. I stood there thinking, “huh, what’s up with this… the door will open… now….” only it didn’t and I’m thinking, only for a split second, “shit! what if I’m stuck in here?“. I pressed the 1st floor button a couple of times. Nothing. They say 3rd time’s a charm. It was. The door opened. Well, since I’d yet to decide about taking the stairs, that little episode convinced me not to ride Elevator 1! Which leaves Elevator 2. One day early last week, my 2nd week (and before the stair “challenge”), I arrived at work and rode up in Elevator 2. As soon as I see the 5 light up and the bell ding, I’m standing in front of the doors. Waiting to exit. And I’m waiting. And waiting. WTF! I press the 5 button. Nothing. I press it again. Nothing. I press it a 3rd time and presto, chango! the doors open. What the hell is up with that?!

7) Music. Need I say more? OK… access to all the music 😀

8) Lizzi Lewis for creating this bloghop and keeping it going after so many years. Often a thing created loses energy over time regardless of our fondness for it.

9) The realization that no matter how long my absence, when I return to the virtual world, all the people I’ve grown fond of and some newer people I’ve only just begun to know, are still there/here. Still writing. Still creating. Still present. How wonderful is that 🙂

10) This day. Right now. Each minute moving forward. The knowledge that there are resources available to me to assist me in doing anything, should I know where to look; should I have the energy and the inclination. Should I believe.

“All that it is, is what it is”. The challenge? Not to focus on what isn’t. 

Wait! Me! Pick Me, Girlie!!

But what do I do? What do I write? You’d think I’d never done this before. Ya know, write a post. At my blog. Yeah, that’s right. I have a blog. It’s called GirlieOnTheEdge and I have been for oh, so very long…

So what’s been happening? A lot! That much I’ve garnered from my whirlwhind scans of the ‘net and the FB. I’ve stopped occaisionally to read but very little. Why? What an excellent question! I offer no excuses for I do not believe in them. I do, however, accept that sometimes there are circumstances.

Are there any to support my lack of involvement in this, my other life? My irl life? Why….no. I didn’t think so. First up. Thanks to my friend, the inimitable Lizzi Lewis!

1 is the lonliest number. 2 Mondays ago, I checked my P.O.Box. There, within the dark, narrow receptacle, lay a key. The key tag said there was a package in Box 6. I was puzzled. ? And then I remembered! I eagerly opened the box and there! a shrink wrapped package that, sure’ nuff, felt like a book! and who doesn’t get excited over the prospect of receiving a book?! Thank you Lizzi for being you. For thinking of me.  For sending me Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats. Just becuase 😀

1x bitten, 2x shy. Clarity and revelation. You would think this to be item number 2 when in fact, I claim by right of SBOR/BOSR (rule # escapes me now. Zoe? help?), this to be items 2 and 3. I’m grateful, most of the time, for those sunbursts of clarity as to what life really is. While I’m immensely, please don’t take it away, thankful to still be breathing, in good health (as far as I know today), thankful for knowing all of you, thankful to be aware of opportunity, I am also hypo-grateful for the revelation part. Sometimes I think the 7 4 Horsemen enjoy showing me the “here’s how it could have been, should have been, look what you’ve got now Girlie, good job. But what it is, is all that it is, and sometimes, the big reveal is not very palatable . Objectively, seeing behind the curtain is a good thing. But in all the ways we know to be more “human”, it’s a fucking bad thing. (yo, I’m a clark). And so, at the end of this little self-indulgent, sure I’ll take a little cheese with that, outburst is the knowledge that I’m not alone. That and the fact that, with a little practice, I can stem the tide of negativity (and self indulgence), swim against that tide, and find my way back to the shore of sanity. (Good thing I learned to swim at an early age, eh? lol)

4/20. No! Not anymore lol. But I could tell you of a tradition observed every Friday at noon on the quadrangle of the University of Rhode Island (when I attended). The thanks? For laptop and access to the internet! The amazing vehicle by which anything and everything to know, read, listen to and watch, is at my very fingertips! Yay!!!!!!!!

5. Side Note. My wordpress doesn’t allow comments when you hover over links. It hasn’t for a long time. I miss that. Suffice it to say, I’ve often seen the triple 5’s. Mostly in the form of time. 5:55. Alot. Do I believe in the Angel stuff and numerology? Hey, I’m a clark, I can believe in anything 🙂 Who wouldn’t be thankful for that!

Six. Thanks be to/for the Cat.

7. the Wakefield Doctrine. A most helpful life tool.

8. Warm weather! Finally. A couple of weeks ago I put away all of my winter sweaters. I remember it was a Sunday. Unbelievably, the next day I had to pull one out of the box. Then another….and another! Let me tell you what – I started paying attention to the weather forecast a little more closely after that. lol  Happily I can report that today our temperatures will be darn close to 80. It appears Spring has arrived for good 🙂 The trees are rapidly budding, flowers appear to have more company….nice.

9 in the Pocket. Sorry to say, lunchtime billiards have yet to materilize but I have slowly (real slow) started back to lunchtime walks. Good to get outside in the middle of the work day.

10. I woke up. That’s always a good start to the day and always I am thankful for another opportunity. In spite of all that my mind would tell me, in spite of the battle between what is and what was and what never will be, I still have an opportunity to be better, do better, help someone else find the better.

Enjoy the day. It’s about this day. This moment. It’s about choice...