One clark’s hell is another clark’s Edge and vice versa…it’s a gesture

“Saturday, March 14, 2015 9:25 am. Happy Birthday Aunt Jean. I don’t know how old you would be but if you can hear me, I love you:) You were the first of the family to say it out loud on a regular basis. Hell, the first to say it out loud! I still have trouble saying it. Take after my mother and my father in that I naturally am more a “show not tell” person. I realize now in my wizened old age that not everyone can “see” love. Not a thing appreciated. Boils down to perspective and how one relates themselves to the world. What does my action represent to someone who does not share in my worldview? Gestures as a clark, are often misinterpreted by those who are not clarks. Do I blame the other person for not “seeing” or understanding? No. My challenge is to recognize (but not always like lol) how another relates themselves to the world which is to say as a clark, scott or roger. Once I do that, it’s a whole lot less frustrating, aggravating. In fact, it simplifies life tremendously as it reduces the oft associated “negative” feelings that arise from the puzzlement of “how come they didn’t get it?!” or “WTF! don’t they see why I …?” Damn. This is turning into a post or something about the Wakefield Doctrine. Let’s get back to regular programming….One clark’s hell is another clark’s Edge and vice versa…that shall be the title to today’s TToT post. But right now….it is a rainy day before my birthday. The sky is cyin’ Stevie and I’m glad. Means I won’t have to my own damn self. Today – both my first and last day. It is my challenge to act without hesitation, to walk the path with heart, to insure I am moving forward. Not just not sliding backward but actual forward momentum. Difficult. I feel like crying and crawling into a hole. But I know that short of dying, that’s no option. Especially, for a clark.”

Yes. Yes this is a TToT post. Most of those who will read my post (and I hope that you do) are familiar with the Wakefield Doctrine. Those of you who are new, welcome. As you can see from my blog’s header this is a place of a clarklike female. That says it all.

I don’t often share my “daily words”. They’re not for public consumption. But I couldn’t help notice they were sounding more and more like a post! So I thought, why not publish that portion. “Why not?” Those 2 words need to be front and present in my brain. They need to be the revelry call to arms. And when the situation calls for it, throw in a few choice adjectives.

Ten Things of Thankful Blog Hop. Lizzi Rogers began this hop some time ago. It was a seed that has grown into a Banyan Tree.

So what am I thankful for this week?…..#1. Not dying on the highway. No, not being dramatic. When you commute everyday on the Beltway, well, you’re driving a crap shoot. #2. Having a place like this Hop to share when I want. #3. Being wanted by 2 small humans to spend the night. To have a “movie” night as only 5 & 10 year olds would have it. In other words, I’m thankful for my 2 great- nephews. #4. Understanding “identification” and having other clarks with whom I can identify. Hopefully, it works in the reverse. #5. Generosity of family. #6 To hear of such good things happening in the lives of my friends. (way to go Cynthia!) #7. the Wakefield Doctrine Saturday Night Drive Call In. #8. Transition of seasons. Yup. Seems that winter has not so gracefully nor quietly, exited the building. Until next year….#9. That Lizzi is really “Coming to “Murica”. Hey Lizzi! I even scheduled a Dr.’s appt. around your arrival so it wouldn’t interfere! Thanks for the itinerary! LOL #10 Another day.

“It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late”
(Glen Frey and Don Henley)

Roll on roads…to nowhere…it’s the Edge

“I know we’ve come a long way. We’re changing day to day… One who will take me for myself. One who will make me do my best…. Now that I’ve lost everything to you. It’s hard to get by on just a smile…. Tell me what’s making you sad, Li. Her eyes like windows, trickling rain…. Miles from no where. Not a soul in sight…. I don’t want to work away. Doing just what they all say…. Longer boats are coming to win us. Hold onto the shore, they’ll be taking the key from the door…. Tables of paper wood, windows of light. And everything emptying into white…. Well, I left my happy home. To see what I could find…. Why, think of everything you’ve got. For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not….”

My ten things of thankful are there. All 10. What? Yes. Yes, there were 11. “Seagulls sing your hearts away…”

 

Check Your Head…at the Edge

Decided I needed to have a conversation with my 25 year old self. OK fine. So someone reminded me I needed to do that. Doesn’t matter. What does matter? That I do it. WTF. Surefire tipoff I needed that conversation? Age was waving to me from the sidelines – woo-hoo! Gi-r-l…eee! Lookee here! Come on o-ver. Got something to show-ow you! (channel Vince Vaughn in Be Cool)

3 hours later, post conversation….

I love this song. 25 year old me doesn’t have to remind present day me that I still get off on the same music even if I am listening to it 30 years later. It’s all relative, right? I will even go so far as to say songs like this one make time travel real. As real as you and me buttercup. Real as you and me.

How did this particular song make it’s way to this post? Thanks for asking. I had Friday off (remember my office was moving to MD? Friday was moving day) and was returning from picking up obligatory food items at the grocery store. The ones necessary for sustaining this life form in progress and this was the first song out of the speakers as I turned the key. (fyi as a btw – clarks are in a constant, neverending “process of becoming”, “evolving”. clarks struggle their entire lives on a quest to become that which we think we need/want to be. except HELLO! we never will/can be. like everyone else.)

Where was I? Oh. The Conversation. Music. Time Travel. Yesterday, Saturday. It snowed pretty much all day. Started around 9, maybe 10 am. Went to at least 7. Stopped looking. Then we were gonna get the mix = ice, rain later, into the night. Where does 25 year old me come in?

She came in to remind me that as long as I’m breathing, I’m alive and therefore not dead. She reminded me of the one thing worse than being dead (in spite of knowing there have been times when that actually didn’t seem so bad) and that was being “old”.  Do not misunderstand me when I use this term. I don’t use it in strict chronological terms. There is a connotation some of you recognize.

I’ve known people old before their time. 30 somethings in fact. Kinda sad. Sad from my perspective. But let’s get back to my ramble….yesterday was a perfect day for books (Friday, I picked up 4 I’d had on order at the library. Yay! I even found 3 movies to check out. Dbl yay. To make this extra special, futuristically speaking, I hadn’t yet heard about the impending weather event.

Yesterday, as soon as I woke up I felt it. The soothing allure of beckoning escape. Within books and sleep and staying in my jammies (if I still wore jammies lol) Nothing wrong with that right?

Except there kinda was. So I got dressed and walked across the street from the apt. complex to where I park the car. I retrieved the scraper/brush, brushed the snow off the car and then reached in for my boots and umbrella. I carried them back to the apartment, switched out the sneakers for the rubber boots, grabbed my umbrella and went for a walk. In the snow. It was going to be warmer today. A high of 21. Why not be outside?!

The walk seemed a tad slower. The big rubber boots (bought in Fl after the 1st of the 4 hurricanes in ’04) were a little heavy. No nevermind. I had on 3 pairs of socks and those boots were going to take me where I wanted to go Miss Sinatra! I couldn’t stand to think that if this was my last day on the planet (yes, I know it wouldn’t matter ‘cuz I’d be dead already but indulge me, ok?) then at least I was out of doors, non-confined (non self-confined), the little bit of my face that was exposed, being chilled. Alright, very chilled as a result of the wind picking up but dammit! it felt good. Felt good.

Counter says lots o words so let’s get this done. Thankfuls: It’s not only music that can stop/suspend time. It’s also the weather. I can create a bubble of anything when there’s a perfectly good excuse for staying indoors.

TF: the #1000 Speak movement. I enjoyed bandying about reading different posts, discovering new blogs. It’s good to venture out of the neighborhood every now and again.

TF: a warm place to lay my head. Still.

TF: health insurance. Yes, Ivy! I’m thankful for it. I’ve needed it recently and in spite of being denied my appeal from a screening that by all accounts was covered 100% under my policy but was only partailly paid, I’m still grateful to be participating.

TF: that it’s going to be in the 40’s today before the plunge back to the ice age.

TF: for all of my senses, my body in the physical shape it’s in because I can still do all that I’ve always enjoyed. I simply have to do it. Action. Today. Right here, right now. (thanks be to Jesus Jones. hey, it’s Sunday, isn’t it?)

TF: for Lizzi for starting the Ten Things of Thankful BlogHop.

TF: the Wakefield Doctrine Blog. Without it I wouldn’t have come to know so many wonderful and inspiring people. Among them, other clarks whom I can identify with, support and commiserate with at any time.

TF: the ability to still believe.

TF: another day. The first. The last.

You? Get on up. Listen to music, do something to get you on your feet (figuratively or literally). Participate.

 

 

 

Don’t Simply Walk the Edge of Compassion. Walk Over and Into It!

Compassion. What is it? How does it manifest? Of what value is compassion?

According to this website: “Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

Old time Merriam Webster’s definition of compassion is: “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it”

We get it. Compassion is about feeling. Feeling strongly enough to act. Let’s face it, we and the majority of folks in our day to day life are busy with, well….our day to day lives! Not saying this is a bad thing. It’s just that sometimes the “busy” in our lives blinds us. And before we know it an automatic reply starts forming: “I’m sorry, I can’t, I’m too busy today. Maybe tomorrow?”

As you can probably guess, I’m talking about the smaller acts of compassion. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not implying compassion can be rated or graded.  As a person who believes in the “little things”, I believe that a singular, small gesture has the potential to impact a person on a huge scale. We don’t always recognize this. Especially, when we get “busy”.

My hope today is that the small gesture of over #1000 Voices posting about Compassion today might have a HUGE, cumulative effect. I’m imagining this act as gently shaking a vast community of folks across the globe into awareness. That it will remind us all to stop each day. Turn “busy” to off and look up, around, beside from where each of us stands. To make the effort, to take the time to breathe in awareness. The awarenes of what’s going on around us.

“Say what?! I do that.” Yeah, sure you do. Easy to turn on the TV and be “aware” of global conditions. Sure. Nothing wrong with that. Today, I’m talking about awareness of the seemingly little things right in front of our noses. Everyday. There is always opportunity for compassion. But let’s face it. We’re not always present. Life. Gets. Busy. With. Stuff. To do.

Why not begin with the smaller, little things? Open a door for an elderly person, speak to them kindly. Hell, speak to everyone kindly. Listen, actually listen to a child when they seem to want to talk about something difficult. Be aware, be present. Let’s think outside of our own selves. Try and imagine what it feels when/to: (so many examples!) and then imagine our own self and what we would want at that moment of vulnerability or inconvenience or trouble or desperation or lonliness.

Every small act, every little thing we do that is self less, that helps another in ways we may never know, has the potential to snowball into a massive, rippling wave of goodness. Yes, good and wonderful things very often come in small packages.

So what do you say? Let’s all become a little bit more aware of our selves and others. Let’s make the time, take the time and remember to act without reservation. It has the power to change lives.

1000Speak

Edge-stically Speaking, Today was a Washout. Or Not

3:58 pm. Imaginary stop watch set. Let’s see how fast I can get this written and published.

‘K. Alarm went off this morning at usual 4:15 am. 4:30 – I’m out of bed. Dare I look outside? Did we get a ton of snow? Decided, I’d stick to the schedule. Out to the kitchen, coffee machine set, hit go.

For a few minutes, I floated upon a wave of stoical responsibility. clarklike female that I am, I considered pretended I might be going in to work today. I called the office manager who told me she was not going in, nor were 2 other people and possibly the managing attorney. Hm. Made sense. It took me 2 hours to get home from work last night. The end of that commute? Let’s just say there were a couple of hairy moments involving a few very steep, 3 lanes each way, hills. Who needs to see the lane markers when you’re sliding on a highway? LOL

Alright. So what seems to be my problem? Why so opposed to a day off? What is this saying about me? Why did I feel a little guilty calling in this morning to say I may or may not be coming in to work? I think I’d better re-examin ‘em. Which is to say, look at how responsibility manifests in the world of a clark. Yeah, I’m thinkin’ it’s fucked up.

Positives? Sure. Plenty. It turned out to be a sunny day. Cold but sunny. I got a good dose of exercise in the wee hours. I shoveled for about 1 1/2 hours. Hint: if you don’t have to park on the street don’t! Trucks plow. Cars get buried…..and I kept thinking – I don’t live in the Northeast. Thank goodness!

It’s an Edge-u-cation…Awards and Such.

A couple of weeks ago Lizzi Rogers, the Considerering Queen of all things sparkly-twinkly nominated me for a Sistahood Blogging Award. It really made me feel good. And I had every intention of responding in kind. And nominating others and answering and sharing and such. And! The draft sits almost completed in the dashboard.  Why?

Then! I was reading the always delightfully written The Meaning of Me by, newly to the FB, Lisa L. (psst… reading – if you want to call it a “habit”, autombile – more control…how sad I was the day my older sister got married – there’s a family famous pic of 8 yr. old Girlie cryin’ her eyes out as her older sister left for her honeymoon) and discovered she also nominated me. Man, I was feeling great. Warm and fuzzy like.

Surely, as I reflect on my week I may count these 2 events. I so wanted to write the “acceptance” posts. I so wanted to read so many, many posts written by Zoe Ivy and Lizzy and Jen and Joy and Lisa, Christine, Dyanne…. No writing, no reading. It’s been all work and no play. 

Lizzi and Lisa. You guys. My first thanks.

Next comes my little men. 5 & 10. I stopped by their house on the way back from work last weekend. We spent some time playing football, playing with Legos, some nintendo and watching a tiny bit of Cars 2. At some point 5 asks “Aunt Denise? Can you spend the night?” Yeah, that’s a thank you:)

No snow. Man, that should count for all 10 Thank You’s!

I don’t normally share in the certain personal stuff. However, in the spirit of full disclosure, my biopsy came back negative. Thank. You.

Hey, I got this. We’re up to #6. Which is…I’m thankful my co-worker received and accepted a job offer. I was so happy for May. She deserved the opportunity. Although I do not know her well, I know she is very intelligent, creative, and most deserving of this opportunity. I wish her well. I’ll miss her.

In spite of dragging my feet, I’m extremely thankful to be co-writing a story over at the Secessionist Rag. I’m “up” for next chapter. I know what it is I want to write, just not sure of how to write it lol.

You know, it doesn’t hurt to remind ourselves how lucky we are to have the internet and computers. It should be a re-cycled “Thank you” on the circuit. Just think! What would life be like without computers and access to all our new friends we’ve made because of technology? Yeah. Technology is my #8.

Music. I can’t ever not be thankful for music in my life, daily. It’s what keeps me going, what keeps me sane. It bolsters my mood, makes me smile, gives me joy, expresses for me that which I cannot express my own damn self. Sometimes:)

Another day.

Be present. Be good. Do not let fear dominate. Today. It is both the first day and the last day. It is the only day.

It’s Wonderful, Edgy Wonderful

Today I seriously contemplated that maybe I had some grade A form of ADHD of the working adult kind, only without the hyperactivity. I went into work today, Saturday, so that Monday wouldn’t be so screaming busy. Being that the forecast is iffy, I didn’t want to take a chance of going in late Monday because of frozen things falling from the sky and then being caught in a mess o deadlines. The drop dead ones.

Any way, I was paying special attention at how the music in my head was extra hard to stop. Always I have some melody on repeat throughout the day. Sometimes 1 or 2, other times it might be 3 or 4 doing the loopty doo thing in my haid. Lately, it’s been the melody and 1 line from the Ramone’s Pet Semetary. (No. “I don’t want to be buried in a pet cemetary”!)

I had trouble focusing today. The music, from my head, (not a radio or phone), was very distracting. Lately, I’ve been thinking I need to try this meditation thing. For real. Calm the brains – OK, like right there! When I wrote “brains” I immediately thought about the band the Bad Brains.1 Geez, will it ever stop?! Honestly, I hope it never does:)

So what’s we got here tonight? Ah yes. A little Ten Tings of Tankful:

1) My musical “bad brain”. Music never leaves me. It may distract me when it’s playing in my head but otherwise? Lifeblood people. Life. Blood.

2) More followers on Twitter. Even though I don’t know how to “work” the Twitter. I use it to tweet folks blog posts and such. But I don’t understand the process. Really. One day someone should explain it to me:)

3) CyndotaLoca. You all know her as Cynthia Calhoun of Pictimilitude fame. She be a clark of extraordinary proportions. Yes, yes, that is redundant, I know, but she be moving forward. Important for my people. To be mindful of moving forward. Engaging the world….

4. Took a dry run to the new office last Sunday. Only 40 minutes from where I presently live compared to the 1 hr+ I presently drive. I’m mindful that was Sunday traffic, but still. The new commute hopefully will be better shorter.

5) Very thankful we did not get as much snow as the people up North!

6) A little more reading done. I’m about 180 pages into Earth Afire by Orson Scott Card. Gee. At this rate I’ll get through the next 2 books in this trilogy in oh, another 8 months? Thank goodness you can renew books at least 3 times!

7) The BoSR/SBoR. I too (thanks Clark for giving up the Chapter in the Book) will cite Chap. 60 sec 14.5 (2 free Items)

Therefore, I’m allowed to go straight to

10) Another day.

In the spirit of full disclosure (“cuz that’s what I decided 5 minutes ago, that this year was gonna be about“), Johnny M. was in my head today at work too! Why? How? What does it mean? …whoah, wait a darned minute! Who remembers the X-Files episode? It just hit me. It was Home (The Peacocks). Now, instead of thinking of being a kid and hearing it on the radio, I’m thinking of Mulder and Scully and….damn.

1. Spontaneous serendipiocity? Bad Brains was first named Mind Power. They changed the band name to Bad Brains after the Ramone’s song Bad Brain. I never knew that. Until now.